Take the Plunge

I sit under an artificial light, staring at the decadence that surrounds me. CD's, games, posters, and action figures are all around. What is the purpose of these things? They do grant me some pleasure, but over time they become forgotten and discarded. They are of no real use to me. The more of the objects that I own, the emptier I feel. Why do we have this constant desire to want? We want a new computer, or a new TV, or a new outfit, even when nothing wrong has happened to the old one. In a world of genocide and disease all we seem to care about is the latest fashion. Forgive me if I seem cynical, but I am only describing what I have seen day after day after day in this life I lead. The in's and out's are never ending, and there is always another task to be completed. I get little from this. The best moments of my life are those in which i loose time, and there is nothing to be obviously achieved. I live for the experience. A single moment in time, frozen for eternity. Solutions have seemed to present themselves in the past, but I have either failed to pass or have been too fearful to accept. This time however, is different. I see the path in front of me that I will walk. I know now that it will be hard and riddled with many obstacles. But most of all, I now know what it will take. 31 days of the new year. That is all I require. I will read books that I have longed to read. I will walk for hours in the bush, marveling at the landscape. I will run and breath deeply the clean morning air. I will meditate to strengthen my inner self, and i will train to strengthen my outer self. A personal pilgrimage awaits me. I know to many that this may seem harsh and despondent from our friendship, but this is something I must do. This year I found out who I want to be. Next year will be the time to become him. I will be stronger after this. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I will be able to face my fears and over come them, not without struggle, but none the less I will prevail. And most of all, I shall be happy. So long have I sought my solution, what a fool I would be to pass it up now. One day left. The clock counts down. I breathe deeply. And I take the plunge.

Brain mush

So i finally feel like doin some writing, and get some ideas, and my brain turns to mush on account of super pain pills. yay. If i don't take the pills, my jaw starts to hurt. If i do take the pills, i descend into a drugged stupor. Ah well, in a few days i'll be back to normal

Meaningless relics

Men are raised, and have been raised, the same for many generations. We are taught to be strong and absent of fear. We are taught women are objects, particularly sexual objects, and they are good for nothing more. We are taught gays are evil and deserve to be treated without compassion. Throughout our youth we are pressed to achieve physically, and failing this, we are berated by comments such as being called a girl. But we could not have it more wrong. The illusion of manliness is a relic from an uneducated time. I feel emotion. I cry. I bleed. Just like everyone else. I do want girls who are just my friends. But as soon as we try to test these boundaries, to search for freedom, we are beaten until we once again conform with the standard. I mean lets be honest, there's plenty good about being a man, but there are some truly wrong things as well. A courageous man once stated, to a group of women at a womens rights convention "My liberation as a man, is directly related to your liberation as a woman." So few can see we are all in this together. Man, woman, it matters not. We are all people. I can take no more of the restraints that constrict me.

Where most people go wrong here is that they get too tied to the things they believe. Extreme feminists are an example of this, taking their ideals beyond the rational. Almost reflecting this, many men are no better. With the 'liberation' of women throughout the passed centuries many women have been brought to an equal plain with men. Trust me when I say I could not be happier about this. But as extremists from both sides emerge, we forget that there should be no real conflict in the first place. Its only the people in the extremes that make us think what we do.

Sure, I guess in some ways I am 'a man'. I like my sports, action movies, i'm joining the military, I am attracted to women. I am also however, quite 'a girl' in many respects. I like chick flicks, i believe in love, i sob, i love to gossip, i feel the need to nurture children. As demonstrated I, and I know many others, hold characteristics from both the 'man' and the 'girl' piles. Doesn't this in itself show that these terms are meaningless? That we have outgrown these childish praises and insults. I know I may say 'I'm the man' or call you 'woman'. But I never mean it, I only joke.

The disturbing thing is, had I not possessed any of these 'girly' traits, I would not be changed in my views of this topic in the slightest. Left to my own devices I would have blundered about about in the dark, not knowing the errors of my ways. Surely then, the only way to bring about this knowledge in vast numbers is through education. Children must be taught the right ways to act. No more fearlessness. No more objectification. We cannot rely on men simply coming to these conclusions of their own accord. We need to act and educate the children of today to ensure a free future for men and women.

What is David?

So, as it seems a lot of people in the concept of the soul. Call it what you want; soul, spirit, essence, your ghost, it is generally defined as "The principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in human, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part."

Being an atheist, I do not believe in the soul. People often seem confused when I present this point to them, as if my life could not exist without the belief in such a thing. "So what do you believe in?" They ask in a kind of fascinated repulsion. The truth is quite simple. I do not believe in anything. There is no soul, no great secret to my identity. I was not created with purposeful intent nor do I have a destiny to fulfill. I simply am. What I am is entirely encased within my physical form. David is nothing but a massively, massively complex series of chemical and physical reactions brought on by the environment that surrounds him. His life has the meaning he chooses to provide it with and, as such, he possesses an extraordinary amount of freedom. Bound by no rules but those he imposes of himself a sense of character is built. He lives his life according to his expectations. His expectations are derived from the events of the past. He derives these events and interprets them using the massively, massively complex chemical reactions unwittingly every second of every day.

When I express this thought to people, many seem depressed by it. Certainly, my view point can be easily skewed to portray a monotonous meaningless lifestyle but this is far from the truth. Nothing is more touching than the beauty that surrounds me. To think of the chance of life itself existing, our evolution as a species to get to a point where we can appreciate such concepts, and then my very conception was so extremely small. The odds are incomprehensible. I may be an atheist, but this does not mean I am against religion. The fact that we can conceptualize such gods is quite astounding.

I can't help but feel I've gone off on a bit of tangent here. But if I can't indulge myself with rants on my blog where can I? To put it simply: I am who I decide. I am not special. I am not on the whole different to any others of our species. I am changing day by day, and I'm cool with it. Life is beautiful.

My Children

I sit in the grass looking up the sky. Clouds pass as a breeze blows. To almost all, the scene seems perfect. Yet I am unhappy. How could I take pleasure in such perfection whilst immeasurable atrocities take place in areas of the world most people don't know exist. My mind is constantly plagued with the struggles of those helpless in the world. Diseased and starving in a war torn land. And we complain about the weather. Why can't I help them? Why can't I at least find a way I would be able to help? Children screaming out at me, yelling my name in panic as they reach out towards me. I try to bridge the gorge between us but it is too vast. No matter how hard I try I am never able to save them. All I wanted to do was help people. They cry my name 'David!' with tears streaming down their cheeks. If I do not save them they will certainly die. Vultures circle over them biding their time. I can do nothing but watch and cry. I talk to them, but words do them little good. Hundreds perish, each face seared into the back of my skull. Our culture is so needless its shameful. Why can't more people see them? Why can't more people here the cries of my children?

My (seemingly) forgotten friends

I'm sorry for what has happened between us. I didn't want it to be like this. I guess I've just changed. Please never think that I stopped caring. I still remember you, I someones wonder if you remember me. I want to talk to you, but sometimes its hard. I know that's a weak excuse, but its the truth. There's just something that stands in the way of the reconnection. Memories fill my mind. It's impossible to forget the moments we shared, for they shaped me into the person I am today. I know its my fault that this gap was opened in the first place but I just want you to know how desperately I want to bridge it. I hold all of you dear to me. You are all my friends. I really do, despite your skepticism, love you all. I won't forget you.

Re: Re: "Why this world isn't an illusion"

Despite the confusing title, I am replying to Joel's post.

http://sky-sailors-handbook.blogspot.com/2010/11/re-why-this-world-isnt-illusion-jason.html

He has the link to the original.

You say that flesh has memory, though I would say this is simply a learnt response due to our bodies complex nervous system, stemming from the brain. Cut off your hands, and they will on their own obviously be unable to sculpt. As for your proposed replacement of hands, your body in time could gain back your lost dexterity, and potentially surpass it depending on the condition of the hands. It is simply a matter of how long it takes the join to heal and nerves to connect.

I would not though, go as so far as to a person is totally encased in their brain. Though a persons thoughts and ideas stem from the brain, these ideas are created from what we see, hear, feel, taste and smell, all functions of the 'shell'. Replace someones brain in a different body, and slowly they will become a different person as their reality is altered by the new shell's sensory perception. This could lead to the argument of devices such as prosthetic limbs and organ transplants, altering a shell's perception which I believe they may very well do.

Your example of brain transplants simple exhibits the thought that as our shells change, so do our selfs. I believe this is true, and is constantly happening on a small scale. Puberty is an excellent natural example of us. Our bodies change which leads to a change in our minds and potential views on the world. Even outside stimuli could provoke a change in ourselves, for example a strong piece of text evoking an emotional response, that could lead to ideas being formed. This leads to the conclusion that though our brain controls our movements and thoughts, the way it decides upon these is based on how we interpret our reality. The self and the shell are intrinsically linked.

Though this has been slightly off topic, I hope my point is clear.

Its what's inside you that I despise, though the outside is pretty dreadful too

You sit there in your little uniforms scheming away. Thinking that your the best of us. Riding your high horse off into a clichéd sunset. But it really isn't true. And we all know it. Sometimes I wonder if you do. You can sit for as long as you like in your little fascist utopia, but as soon as you get out into the real word you will crumble away, weak and spineless. You take picture after picture of yourselves. You think your funny, you think your pretty, you think your clever, you think your weird, you think your different, you think your the best thing ever to happen to the world, you think your gods gift to women. Let me assure you, NONE of this is true. You are so very, very small minded. If you were reading this now all you would be doing is pointing out everyone of my little grammar mistakes but seriously, no one gives a fuck when you do that. Have your fun while it lasts, because sooner or later you will come crashing down and all of your 'friends' will be no where to be found, and you'll find your self in the same pool as the rest of us. Oh how horrible that must be! Us living our lives in filth. Sex, drugs and violence, thats all we care for isn't it? We're not really capable of having a real human connection or being truly happy. But you certainly are aren't you. You pushed us away and you didn't even know us. You didn't know the slightest thing about us. And you know the really sad thing? You could all be such great people. But instead you choose to waste your life in that ironic hell hole. Narrowing your minds and views day by day. When you actually learn a thing or two about life, give me a call.

Those of you I love, sorry for the generalization, but you'll never read this anyway.

Me good old family

you know I've considered devoting a blog just to family life and such, but I think a post every now and then will do for now.

Everyone in my family seems to function on fads. Alex especially, mum reasonably, dad at times. I've really thought I do, but hey, assuming i'm not adopted, I've probably picked it up from somewhere. The more I consider it, I guess I do go through fads, just not as defined as my other compatriots.

Alex's fad at the moment is comics, to be more specific DC comics, and to be even more specific a rather fast growing obsession with the green lantern. Now don't get me wrong, I love superheros. Anyone who knows me knows I love my batman. But 3 t-shirts, 6 comics, and a proper green lantern ring in the past couple of weeks? Pushing the borders a little in my book. After being shown previously mentioned big bang episode, where sheldon is holding a 'limited addition green lantern lantern' Alex turns to me and says "That one's a couple of hundred bucks, so I'll have to save up for a bit". To be honest I slack jawed a little. Goodness me. Am I living with a 21 year old man child? No, I'm being to cruel. Alex is a lovely fellow and a fantastic brother, and when viewed from his point of view his love of comics is quite rationale. It just astounds me at times.

Oh. And did I mention bond? James Bond? here comes another paragraph haha. So when we were little, we had 'James Bond: Golden Eye' in the N64. To be honest it was a pretty great game. Recently, it has been re released on the Wii. Again, I'm not going to lie, its pretty sweet. Though, as usual it has sparked another of Alex's fads. We now almost have all Bond movies downloaded, a bond theme tune CD in the car, and have Alex occupying the living room most of the day playing the game. Each to his own I spose, just isn't really for me.

Mum's has two big things going at the moment. 1. Getting a new couch and 2. A revitalized love of gardening. Neither of these I am adverse to at all, though after being quite literally drowned in fabric samples I am starting to question the new couch. Could it really be so glorious as to require such back breaking labor to acquire it? It better be a damn good couch. Guess thats about all I got. I can't really bag on gardening, because well its a pretty normal thing to do.

Dad's fads are slightly more ingrained into his behavior. Less of a fad, more of a fully fledged way of life. Just those little acts that make your day. Perhaps my favorite of these concerns every trip dad takes to the dentist. Dad, not wanting to feel a thing while in the chair, pays for happy gas, which he ingests until, and I quote "the roof starts spinning". After the checkup and what not he then goes to Woden plaza, to the same store, and buys a green collared short sleeve shirt. I'm pretty sure that by now he has about 5. Despite mum's efforts of before every trip, telling him not to buy a shirt, he always buys the shirt.

"You always buy that shirt when you've had the gas"
"But it was on special"

"You already have 5 of them"

"But it was on special!"

I'm also rather fond of the compliments I acquire when dad is under the influence of anything, be it the happy gas or a little too much beer on a weekend afternoon. Upon doing the simplest things such as taking out the garbage I'll receive great kudos.

"There we go dad, garbage is out"

"Thanks david, your SUCH a good son"

"... thanks dad?"

"No i mean it. I'm really proud of you"

"thats nice dad"

haha. Oh goodness. Family, your are quite hilarious. Well, i think thats enough of that for now. My brains a little fried, so apologizes if that is actually just boring dribble thats poured out in a moment of weakness. For those of you who do actually know my family, it would be appreciated if you didn't spread it round. I don't want a belting lol.

good lord...

So my brother comes into my room

"David!"

"what?"

"Yesterday I was watching big bang theory, and when they said the green lantern oath they got it wrong"
"Oh?"

"Yeah. they said darkest night when they should have said BLACKEST night"

"-eyeroll-"

He's 21 might I ad.

You know things are up when your brother starts becoming more geeky than the guys on big bang.

Sometimes I swear I'm living in a mad house.

Who am I?

Who am I to think that I can do these things that fill my mind? Consumed by ambition, I rarely notice the ridiculousness of my own thoughts. Greater men that me have tried and failed. Who am I to even think I can change what I am, or shape what I will become. A decision can only take you so far. I am trying to take action, to change what I can, but so far little has come of it. Perhaps I need more time, but I have no idea how much time I have to work with. A pretty picture isn't going to change anything. Where does this sense of purpose stem from? Some mis guided sense of self righteousness perhaps. Maybe I'm trying to prove that I can do this, that I'm not crazy for hoping. I wait wondering what it is I shall achieve, and in the meantime I do nothing.

Is it really so wrong to wish for a single light to illuminate the night?

For one voice to muster thousands?

To have faith that people can change?

I am, most definitely, a man of faith. It may be an impossible feat. I may be delusional. But I will feel no shame falling short, knowing I have put every ounce of my being into achieving my aims. There is no way anyone is going to hold me back.

Make up

I'm not ashamed to show myself to the world. I won't lie when you ask me a question. I want you to see me as I really am. No mask. No make up.

Why am i always such a whingy bastard when it comes to love?

Why am i not always happy with the perfectly fine life i lead?

Why am i so slow sometimes?

Why does it take me so long to understand things?

Why can't I think deeper?

Why can't I put more effort in?

What if I don't achieve my dreams?

What happens if I let my friends down?

What do people really say about me when I'm not around?

Why do I get weirdly obsessive over things?

Why do I find it so hard to get on with people?

How many of my friends do I actually mean anything to?

Have I ever let the people who mean everything to me down?

Should I hate myself for what I've done?

Have I waisted my youth?

What does it matter anyway, I'm only one of 7 billion. Relatively, I have but the simplest of problems.

That perfect someone

So we sit and wait for them, twiddling our thumbs while the whole world passes us by. No matter how long I wait for her, she never arrives. I am not the first, and nor will I be the last in a long line of suitors, waiting for that dream girl to walk round the corner. How did I know that my perfect girl has already found her perfect man? Yet still I waited.

I no longer desire perfection, that boyish fantasy has passed. What I long for is a connection. Someone who I can talk to deep into the night. Our lives are filled to the breaking point with superficiality. I have friends. I know people. But how many of them do I actually know things about? If you had to give a 5 minute talk about all of your 'friends', how many talks do you think you'd be able to finish? I don't care if she's smarter than me or I'm smarter than her. I don't care if she's christian, jewish, catholic or muslim. I don't want it to be a big deal. I don't even care if I'm not their 'everything'.

I lie alone thinking if I'll even know if its them when we meet. I doubt that I would. I wonder how long it will take me to realize how important they are to me. These questions plague me constantly. The deeper my thought protrudes the less sense I seem to make.

So many people are obsessed about sex all the time. Even in physics of all classes there are guys constantly trying to get laid. But how much pleasure can be gained from such an encounter? You know them no better, and they probably don't even know you that well. Why at its core must humanity be so brutal and animalistic?

Right now I'd swear that I couldn't want you anymore, but I guess i'm still pretty young and dumb. Please know that this is not a whine. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not depressed. I am simply trying to make sense of things. Waiting hasn't hurt me in the past. I'll just continue to do that.

I want my suitcase

I want to get a big suitcase and put all my things in it. All my possessions, in one bag. I have so much fuss and clutter, so much needless stuff that i don't even know I have. I crave so badly to squeeze it all away, turn it into something useful instead of just sitting there, proof of my indulgence. Slowly, my cupboard is thinning out. It might take a little a bit, maybe even a year, but it will be done. My life in a box. It probably sounds insane to most people, but i really can't wait. It'll be my bag. I'll take it everywhere I go. It might even get lost once or twice along the way. But I'll find it again. My travels will be grand. Me and my bag wondering the world. What a freeing thought. We'll trek through the jungles drenched in sweat. We'll walk along the beaches, the cool wind tussling my hair.

Two shirts

Two pairs of pants

Two pairs of shorts

Two pairs of socks

Two pairs of underpants

Two singlets

Two hankies

A jacket

A jumper

A water proof something

My teddy

My survival things

As many books as I can fit

My toothbrush

Some toothpaste

My soap

Something a little fancy to wear.

That's all i'll need, one to wear while the other one dries. Let my good times begin. I'm looking forward to meeting you bag

Like water from a hose

Lately, as I'm sure is clear by the dramatic increase in blog posts, I seem to have had a lot to say. Before, I clearly didn't. My conclusion:

Maths eats my brain.

Sure, I'm a little tired and not quite thinking straight, but its perfectly legible.

wait legible? .. i mean logical. good god I need some sleep.

Children are the future! (title to be sung in an empowering way)

So my english class, children's literature, is pretty fun. Sure, I don't really have any friends in it (well 'friend' friends at least, you get what i mean) but i still really enjoy it. One of the assessments for this class, is that we get to do a storytelling to some little kids at a day care centre. I'm not gonna lie, I had been looking forward to it. So its Tuesday, and I rock up all ready to go. We had to tell the kids a story, play a game with them, and do a craft. My book of choices was the forever classic 'where the wild things are' in my opinion, the greatest children's book known to man. I had a little game worked out, and for the craft they were all going to make a crown and be the king of their own wild kingdom. I was phyced.

Crafts in hand, I enter the room. Immediately, a crowd gathers. Questions are hurled at me from tiny mouths:

"Who are you?"

"Whats your name?"

"How old are you?"

"Why are you wearing a crown?"

"I have a watch!"

And bam! I'm in the thick of it. So i start worrying a little bit, because Leonie (my teacher) isn't there and I have to keep them occupied for a bit. But they were actually the cutest things ever. There honestly is nothing like having kids hanging from your arms and legs as you fall to the floor. Bliss.

Leonie soon arrives and we stop playing around. Every washes their hands after having just had some morning tea (good old nutritional fruit) and sit on the rug for storytelling. I should have probably mentioned this earlier that I was told there were ADD kids in the crowd. Yes indeedy. The storybooks opened and I begin to read. I'm halfway through the first sentence when the kids realize there's a picture of a dog on page. Again i'm bombarded with tiny voices:

"I have a dog!"

"I have two dogs!"

"My dog does that!"

"I chase my dog!"

To be truthful, it threw me a little. But like the courageous man I am, I persevered (cue shot of me looking into sunset). Luckily for little old me, they got drawn in and actually seemed to enjoy it. PHEW. Now for a few little games. After a good bit of a dance around and feeling like the biggest dork on earth, we play a pretty simple version of whats the time mr wolf. Predictably, it ends in me being yet again crash tackles by 15 small children. yep. I was p0wned by 4 year olds.

The craft ran pretty well despite a kid or two gluing everything to his face instead of the crown. Within half an hour it was done and dusted and i totally aced it. yeaboi!

Looking back on it now, it was by far the highlight of my week. There is something about little kids that is just so refreshing. They're honest, and at times, a little too honest, but thats what's so brilliant about them. As we grow up we're given all these rules to follow, etiquette to uphold, but they have non of that. Its really amazing how you can learn so much from such little people. Oh children, you are adorable.

I can't get no..

So the more I think about it, the more excited I am about volunteering for stuff these holidays as opposed to getting the typical summer job. This is for a number of reasons.

1. I'm not a big spender. Well, i guess at times I am, but I don't spend a whole lot. Please note i'm not glorifying myself or anything, in fact that people that buy are lot are usually the cool ones, but hey. The point is at the moment, I don't need the money. If i get a job and have some money to play around with, it'll start being put towards pointless things until I am disgusted at what I have become. And who wants that? At least not me. I will be given the resources to fill a whole i have not yet dug, and it'll make me weird.

2. I'd much rather help some dude out, than work endlessly for a mindless corporation. Sure, that dude'll probably end up working for a mindless corporation, and I'll be buying stuff from the corporation, but at the moment its all about helping people and I'm still taking baby steps. One day i'm helping a bum on the street, the next I'm saving Africa. You dig? Sure, in the long run i'm piloting jets and shooting people.. but hey, thats another story for another day.

3. As much as it sounds like i'm making myself look good, I actually enjoy helping people out (insert Joel: "I'll help you out!" -shakes fist-). But think about it, who doesn't enjoy helping people out a little? Sure, i can understand that it takes a lot of effort at times but i mean when its something simple, you can get so much joy out of doing something so small. I think over time everyones lost that sense of helping someone out. Everyones still willing to help a mate out, but what about the man on the street? Which leads a little into point number four.

4. I kind of want to change attitudes. Yes, I know i'm being crazily ridiculous as always but if you can't hope, what can you do? Everyone has potential to do wonderful things, but we forget that so easily. All peoples money and talent going towards self indulgent fantasies or even worse, just fading way all together. Time everyone got a good spring in their step once again and started pitching in, making the world a better place and what not.

Well i quite think thats enough ideals for now. Later blog peeps.

A collection of thoughts on love

Love. A subject I hold very close to my heart. I do believe in it, but the older i get I kind of stop believing in love as its portrayed in the movies. We spend our whole life waiting for mr/mrs right, and when we find them everything's perfect and we live happily ever after? Honestly, I think thats a load or garbage. To me, love isn't finding someone perfect, its finding someone you're willing to go the distance with. Those special people that, no matter what they do or whatever they get themselves into, you'll always be there for them. Someone you can argue with. Someone who might even make you rip out your hair at times but when it comes down to it, neither of you want the other to leave. The thing is, when i think about it, I think i'd actually prefer to have someone with that kind of connection then rather just live perfectly forever. So many people I see sitting around waiting for a time where they'll let love happen or waiting for the person who will be just right. But I mean we're all just people. None of us are born superior to any other (of course in social and economic terms this isn't accurate but you get my point) yet we wait around for that someone to walk around the corner. We all have our weird little things we do. We all have secrets we never tell. We all wear masks from time to time. Whats to say they're going to be different? Over time, society has just heightened and heightened our expectations to unrealistic proportions. I mean sure, a relationship takes effort, but with the level of perfection needed from a partner these days its more like work rather than a real relationship. I still have dreams. I am not unlike everyone with their visions of a perfect life, its just a little different.

I want to live in a bare house and buy our furniture piece by piece.

I want to have a garden where i can grow fruits and vegetables, and just lie in the grass.

I want road trips to the beach where because of all the stuff that happened, we only get to stay a few hours, but its worth it just to have them there.

I want to make them feel safe.

I want someone to hold on cold nights.

I want them to be cool with my friends.

I want to have stupid arguments over nothing.

But for now they're just dreams. Who knows, someday they may come true. But i doubt it, I doubt i'll even remember them when it happens.

Well that was nonsensical

Time for a change

Its not that i don't enjoy how things are going at the moment, in fact they're going rather well and i'm pretty happy. But as always holidays are gonna give me a lot of free time and with job prospects not looking amazing, i figure I'm going to try to a bit more community and personal stuff with my time. Pretty sure its time to start planning these things now, seeing as the next four weeks will go nice and quick, and when the holidays start i'll have to go from nothing. So here we go.

I WILL get fit these holidays. Yes, I say this every set of holidays but i figure a good couple of months will be enough to actually make a difference. I already have my plan down, so its just a matter of sticking to it. Again, this still hasn't always led to success in the past but a few summers ago I started my running and I really got into that, so there's not reason I shouldn't go for it again. I'll probably try to gym a little more though or at least do some weights at home. I mean running gets rid of a gut and gets you fit, but it doesn't really do much tonal stuff, especially upper body wise. So thats that sorted.

I'm going to try to get some different types of volunteer work going. I've already put in an application for good old Vinnies, which will hopefully come through. I was trying to avoid being corny, but i really am doing it for the whole 'giving back to the community' thing. Another place I'd really love to do stuff with if possible is some child care place. I just did my storytelling today and little kids are the best things ever. They're just so pure and tell it as it is. Such brilliant little darlings. But I'm really not sure if i'll be able to get in, being under 18 and what not, and not having any kind of first aid training. Though even if i can start the steps to getting there it can't hurt, its all working towards something I want to do which makes it worth it.

I'm going to start reading a bit more. There are so many books I'd love to read, and ones people tell me I should but i never seem to have the time to sit down and read them. Some people are cool with things like that, but I really do love having a good read and i miss it a lot of the time. I reckon if I'm a lot more conscious about wanting to read, i'll be able to think of times to read, and then when i get into a bit of a groove it'll all be sweet. The only thing yet to work out is my reading list. I swear, I will not cave to the 'summer reading list' thing of making yourself read books over the holidays. I am only reading because i love it. I'll just take it as it comes, and read whats good.

I will ace my Defence interview. A pretty big day, but i think i'll be fine. I know all the stuff I have to do to prepare for it, so its just a matter of studying up and knowing why i'm doing it. Don't really have that much say to say on this one. All that there really is to say is that its gonna be a good bit of work, but I know i can get there.

I want to have more experiences in life. I've already a skydiving thing booked as a Christmas present (OMG WOO!) but I'd really love to get out, do some worldly things for lack of a better phrase. A road trip would be brilliant, but i'm not going to hold my hopes too high for that one haha. A day trip though, is highly possible. Even just hanging with my friends and having some crazy fun would be awesome.

I would really love to do some flying in the holidays, because i mean that just brings it all together for me. Some lessons would be the most fantastic thing ever. Yeah haha.

The last, but I think very important point is that I also want a day or two here and there where i can just sit around and do nothing. Enjoying things just as they are in all their beauty. Having a good old think while lying on the lovely green grass, what could be better?

So there we go. Not my most poetic of posts but it does feel good to get it out there. So from looking back over it, I've set myself up a pretty packed holidays, but if all goes to plan, it'll be so worth it. Cheers to who ever actually bothered to read the whole thing lol

Creep

Slowly, surely, this is killing me. The constant ins and outs, the endless stream of unconscious thought. What will be my next unachievable goal? I work towards a future I potentially have no stake in and is yet to be confirmed to even exist. The grind of every day slowly asphyxiating me until my eyes fade to black, the world narrowing until all i see is the end. Every night I fall, beaten and broken putting my dark thoughts to sleep. And every morning I rise yet again, as if compelled by some unseen force to continue, but to what end? Another week? Another month? Another year? Can I really last that long? I am thrashed to within an inch of my breaking point, but it is not the work that pushes me to the edge, it is the seemingly endless path I have found myself on. And even in the height of my achievement, I am still racked with shame. The shame of wondering if I will ever achieve my full potential, if I ever will reach the point beyond which i can do nothing more. Whether I will ever reach my goals or not only time will tell, but one thing is for certain, I am being worn down. Like the mighty rock that falls under the persistent lapping of the sea wave I am being stripped of my insides. Falling away one by one, the little pieces are lost and soon forgotten. Who even remembers if they existed in the first place? Past ages remembered in a kinder light. A sickness arcs throughout my body, burning the flesh and tormenting the mind. How much longer will this madness last?

I am so tired.

So very tired.

Talent surrounds me, and I am astounded by the capabilities of my peers. Will I ever reach to their heights? Like a child crying out in the night for his mother I stand helpless in the face of the storm. All I ever did was try. I sit in a room I have no connection with, so soon will people betray loyalties to fulfill their own desires. Grotesques stalk this hall and taint its beauty. The actions of one corrupting those of a million. I don't belong here.

Something I truly despise

The importance placed on someone's body image these days is disgusting. I can barely express how sick I am with all these secrets everywhere to 'bulk up fast' or 'lose all that weight in 2 weeks'. The market's even been cornered on nice guys promising 'no more of those lies, this is simple natural exercise'. So many toned bodies are plastered everywhere, and if you're the slightest bit different, you're doing something wrong. And what's the point to all this bulk? To help get attractive women with presumably equally hollow lives. The funny thing is though, is that when you look around, how many people really look like the guys and gals from the posters? Sure, there's a few here and there who are just naturally fine, but the majority of people are just normal dudes like everyone else. We've all had the wool pulled over our eyes that everyone but us is packing a six pack. To be perfectly honest, I don't want arms like an 'anaconda that's swallowed a pig'. I wouldn't mind a bit more muscle there, but I don't want to be bursting out of my t-shirt.

When I was really young (like 6) i used to be a skinny little dude. Then for whatever reason, i started packing on the kilo's. By year 5 or so i was pretty damn fat, and in hindsight I am now referred to as 'fat David' when looking back on those times. Luckily I outgrew a lot of it, and did a LOT of running for a while, but I've still always been pretty biggish. You know, I am working towards the body that I want, but thats exactly the thing. It's what I want. Not what I'm told the world wants me to want. Screw your protein shakes and fitness magazines. I will achieve my goals, but not on your terms. I don't need some ipod to track my runs, I don't need the special shoes that are crafted perfectly by hand. Least of all I need your constant propaganda rammed down my throat, when it's not even true. Fuck you body image. FUCK YOU. I can do this on my own.

Importance

So, after finishing my maths exam I now only have Physics and flight to go, for which i should be studying right now. Despite my desperate need for study, I think every once in a while you just need to have a bit of a chill out, and have a look at how important all this stuff is. It's way to easy to get caught up in things (for me at least) and giving them a way higher priority than they need. I think last weekend was the perfect example. The one weekend I really need to study, and its the nicest couple of days in months. Sure, I could have studied a little more and gotten a few more marks in maths, but despite how much I plan for the future, its important to live in the moment as well. Every now and then, throughout my study I decided to go outside everyone once in a while to clear my head. I'd play with the cat, read, or just sit in the sun. All those little things that make life worth living. I guess the point is that people get themselves too worked up over things that don't matter these days, and its important to have a little time out once in a while. We spend so much time worrying about things in life we can miss the tiniest things that make it worth our time.

Ironically after writing all of that I have to return to study, but it was nice to blow off a little steam.

Apologize for the Winge

So basically, no matter how excited I am about the future, I'm still worried whats going to happen with my friends. I've gotten pretty close to some people, and there's no way I'd want to let them go, but I'm worried we're just going to slowly drift away. The only time I'll have off is going to be weekends and that doesn't really allow much time to keep in contact, especially if there's also going to be distance involved. There have been times in my past were I've been determined to keep in contact with people, and no matter how I tried it just seemed to drop off as we out grew each other. And I don't really want that to happen again. I know I'm having a bit of a winge, but it is something thats constantly pressing in my mind. I like to think I can get on pretty easily with people, but there are a rare few that I really put my trust in, and I really don't want to loose them. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to see what happens and try my best.

Righteous Fury

A sea is crashing thunderously on rocks. Every impact sending a fine spray over the dark rocks as storm clouds brew ominously overhead. There is so much to achieve, so many goals to fulfill. I sit silently on the cliffs edge, watching the scene unfold before me. With every second the waves grow stronger as they constantly pound the rocks. The sea is almost black now, with a fine white covering the tips of its waves. It lashes out like a giant creature grasping for freedom. So much pain. Roars fill the air as the storm breaks. Thunder booming through the cold sky. I wait in the dim twilight, watching the monster cry out to the world. We were born as her protectors, but we have become her captors. Understanding leads to fear, and instead of welcoming the new world, we shy away, afraid of what it may bring. Lightning grandly arcs across the sky, proud and just. Such power to witness. Tears slowly roll down my cheeks. How could we have done this. The storm builds with righteous fury, and for some reason, we never saw it coming. The ignorant blunder blindly in the dark, searching hopelessly for a way out. But there is none. Years have passed, and despite her cries, we have shown her no mercy. All you pray for is a moment of silence, simply to gather your thoughts, but its is futile. The cliff face starts to crumble away, and I await the inevitable. Endless berating waves flay the rock like a whip, and it falls deep into the ocean. Buildings fall to depths we couldn't even imagine. A new darkness becomes apparent, but it is too late. I stare into the black torrent, and a monster stares back. Is this what we have become. The end is drawing near and we call upon all the wealth that we have amassed. Only at our time of true disaster do we see how meaningless it really is. You cannot eat money. But that wouldn't stop you trying. I am at peace now, as the last of the cliff falls and I plunge deep into the icy water. The cold is infectious and it spreads like a disease throughout my body. I slowly become numb, and the world seems a little kinder. I begin to gag, and my dying body starts to jerk in the desperate search for air. It is useless, with every second I am dragged even deeper into the darkness. I entertain the thoughts of a life beyond, but as always, it seems pointless to me. We could have avoided all of this, if only we had listened. But we never did. She cried out endlessly to the world, but no one noticed. The last bubble emerges from my now limp body, the last memory floating away. My last conscious thoughts are of those dearest to me, and the question as to whether they will share my fate. I am ready, and feel the oceans last embrace. All my memories, all my experience, all that i once knew, lost in an endless moment time.

Living By a Song

"Oh very young

What will you leave us this time

You're only dancing on this earth for a short while

And though your dreams may toss and turn you now

They will vanish away like your daddy's best jeans

Denim Blue fading up to the sky

And though you want them to last forever

You know they never will

And the patches make the goodbye harder still"

I wonder how young I still am. How much I am yet to learn. Am i still immature compared to what i will be in days to come? All that I hold as my own is my future, though i can handle it not going to plan. I view myself in a unique light, putting myself under endless scrutiny. I want to be able to make an impact. I want to be a good guy. And I'm really trying now. During days such as these we have to be the best of humanity. Will I ever rise to my expectations? The opinions and thoughts of others don't concern me. They can think what they like. But if I can't live up to my own word, what have I got left. Its time to start living, and step into my own spotlight. Enough skulking in the shadows. I am frightened sometimes, but its always worth it. As they say, you have to risk something to gain something. And if you want something you have to be willing to give something up. Its just the way works. I don't mind giving things up as much any more. I still know who I am. Just know that I don't try to protect you because I think you hopeless, but because I care. I guess thats why I've chosen certain paths in life, to protect others. And I like to think I'm making a career out of it, but that's a matter of opinion. It would be nice to be remembered. I'll never know, and it wouldn't change anything, but its a comforting thought. Even if i was simply a fleeting thought, it would make me smile. I remember all those I call my own.

The right direction

Sure, I've done some despicable things in my life, but honest to god I hate myself for them. I try to make things right, I do all that I can. I know I slipped up, but you really think i need you? Who are you trying to defend anyway? I am simply a man of instinct.

You know, I'm still young. If i can't make mistakes now, when can I? I know it wasn't necessarily right, but after a while, I've finally got my head in the right place. I've had some time to think and my mind is made up. I know who the people are that I want in my life, and you're not one of them. You are toxic.

I want to appologize to anyone who i've been a bit of a dick to at all, or even if i just haven't talked to you as much as I wanted to. I want to thank my friends who stuck by despite all my pigheadedness, you guys are great. I know it must be hard with me sometimes. Its probably pretty clear that alot has been on my mind seein as i don't usually type like this, but i just wanted to get it all out there. I guess what i'm trying to say, is i know the people I want in my life and I know where I'm going. What once felt like a sentence now feels like an adventure, and I can't wait.

Monsters in the Night

We are the monsters in the world. Our innocence ravaged we see the truth, but still we do nothing. We are the worst of the worst, the truly enlightened. So many bid to change our ways, to show us their supposed 'truths'. But they are wrong. We know what makes the world go round. Souls blackened to extinction we give but a second thought to our fate. We know so much. We do so many horrible things. Who would have thought that the wise could become wicked. Why should we even save you people anyway? With everyday our darkness grows, reaching to every corner of our lives. We are nothing but our insides now. We are the monsters in the night.

On the Brink

I am standing on the brink. You never seem to notice the things that I do, only the things I don't. I try my best, but I'm sorry, I'm not you. At times I almost want to fail just to see the look on your face. I'm not a delinquent, I do the best I can. So my rooms a little messy, so i need to do a few jobs. So what. When it comes down to it I do all I can for you. Sure I forget a few things here and there but i'm sorry, thats just what I'm like. I'm a teenager, get used to it. You think you're under appreciated? How do you think I feel working my ass of for the slightest bit of respect. And then you give me nothing. You expect the best and give me nothing to work with. You make me want to leave and never come back. You make me want to cry hot tears into the night. I know you care, but would it kill you to show it once in a while? All I want is something, anything. A pat on the back. A well done. Would that be so hard? I know I'm not perfect, and you're just going to have to deal with that. Even when I've achieved everything I've ever wanted I'll still be doing something wrong. I want to be free, but you have me with a ball and chain. Sometimes I almost think I hate you.

My poison

We work so hard. So many people, striving for goals they know nothing about. All of us moving towards our dreams, having no idea what they really entail. Hope seems intrinsically linked with whatever fate we may hold.

Everyday, my future becomes a little darker. Grim possibilities gradually present themselves, but there is nothing that hold me down from reaching the end of this blackened tunnel. I know i will reach the end, but the cost grows every day. Without doubt, by the end of this ordeal, a little part of me will have died. This is a given. If I can control which part of me this is I am yet to find out.

The air grows noxious as i consider the outcomes. Even if I am distanced from my poison, it still takes hold. Admittedly the thought makes me feel ill to my stomach, though it is a necessity. It is not the concept that plagues me, but the application. Bombs fall in the night, and no body even notices the difference. Whats a few men among millions. A subtle loss, invisible to the naked eye. But with the curse of the gift of sight, these tragedies present themselves ten fold. No matter how far you run you can't keep the memories out.

As the tunnel blackens day by day, I see things for what they really are. Masks are meaningless when tomorrow could mean the end. I sit here, with endless thoughts filling my mind, and I think of what is to come. And what i am to become.

A monster sits alone in the night, unseen by the world.

Futures

We are told that a mans future is like a single thread of string, though ours seem so complexly intertwined. So many back and forths, and i always wonder, was this meant to be? I am tired of getting caught in so many webs. All i want is to know what we are to become. I sit patiently at your feet, and you look down on me. The look in your eyes hold the answers, but i don't want to see. For the thousandth time, i feel the fool. What must you think of me? It turns out I am afraid. It is the hardest thing to admit but it is true. For how much longer will i be lost in the endless tangle? Our paths could clear, and all my efforts be for naught. With all my heart right now, I just want to hold you. I want to brush your hair, and give you my jacket in the cold. But as much as my heart can romanticize, my mind stays cold and relentless. You may be all I want right now, but as always seems to be the case, I cannot have you. Everyday my mind bombards me with questions and prompts. As you are not mine I must pursue other leads, but I refuse. When its comes down to it, I feel nothing for them. Perhaps this is the path i must take anyway, but for now I'll choose to wait. I prefer my dreams of you. One day maybe, but for now our futures don't seem to be ours to decide.

There is something inexplicable about you. It gives me such a feeling, and I am afraid where this will take me. You make me smile, you make me laugh. Few seem to be able to really bring up a sense of joy in me these days, but you do. I view myself from the outside world. I can only imagine I seem strange and brash, but what I say is true. This is quite a time of change within myself, and i have a lot to consider. Though no matter how much is on my mind, you are still up there.

I guess when it boils down to it, and all my metaphors are done with, I am afraid. And it is this fear that binds me, and keeps me from decision. I'll probably never know whether you even see me in the same light, but i had to get that off my chest. So many things seem complicated these days.

A list of sorts

If all goes to plan, after college i'll soon be joining the airforce. Once in, there'll be all kinds of crazy shenanigans happening and i'll be pretty damn happy. But before that, i figured I'd make a list of things that i'd like/need to do. That said, this is really more of a note to myself to look back on at some point and to see how i'm doing.

So lets see. Here it is:

• Go skydiving
• Fly solo
• Get an ATAR of 90 or higher
• Get fit and toned
• Go on a road trip (at least once, maybe more if the car is still alive)
• Go to Melbourne (I've never been and i hear its quite good)
• Be able to fit all my possessions into a suit case (except for books)
• Do the P-off course
• Do a defensive driving course
• Keep up with all my friends and see them more often
• Get accepted to ADFA (kind of a given haha)

So now its done, i must say, it does look rather pathetic. But never the less i'm sure there's things on there i won't even get round to anyway. All said and done, i better get working.

My murderous insides

What do you do when all you know has been turned on its head?

To turn and run is weak.

No matter how hard i try, no matter how long its been, hate still wells within me. Greater than ever it bubbles up, oozing out of my murderous insides. Thirsting for vengeance my eyes turn red. I never thought that i would be able to hate you but here we are. All my life I thought i was building towards this moment, but now, without even a gasp it is gone. And all i am left with is my bitter hate. You stand for things that are meaningless to you, do you even know why you do it anymore? I'll admit, you fought it for a while, but like every single thing you do, you gave up. Who needs a fulfilling life anyway you say. I'm comfortable here. It's not what i always wanted but it's enough.

You disgust me now.

Black froths on your lips and i can see the lies in your eyes. A forked tongue i wish i could chop off. I know why you did it. But i'll never know how you could throw your life short. For a time you were great, but now your days have passed and you are nothing but a pathetic memory clinging to the halls of fame.

I know i'm wrong. I know what i feel is awful, and I know you don't even care how filled with hate I am. Forever is a long time, but i can say now my friend. We are done.

Visions

Cities fall like icy cliffs, smashing into the water below. A man cries his name to the wind, but there is no one to hear it. Where will you be the end is truly insight?

There is one who lies dormant, deep within the land. Slowly dawning from his age long slumber he stirs, restless in the night. Mountains move, the earth is changing. With every waking hour we rot away, our souls blowing in the winters breeze. I wait for you in the blistering cold, but you say you prefer to stay inside.

My darling, why must you do this to yourself?

I see your silhouette in the window, your perfect profile lighting up the night. But it isn't really you. Merely just an image lost in time. If you ever return I will still be here, waiting at your door.

Lurid dreams become apparent and slowly, ever so slowly, you start to realize what is really happening. A knock at the door, a howl at the moon, a flash of darkness in the night. I dare to dream of you, that once again you may become real. But deep in my heart i know this will never happen. You are gone. I don't even know if you ever existed in the first place.

A wiry hand reaches from a dark cloak and grips your arm. You fight it at first, but as always you learn to submit.

Cities in rubble, fire burning unseen throughout the lands.

Visions of horror sweep my mind.

How do you not see this?

But then again, you never did.

For Jess

So you asked for a blog and here it is. I don't really know if its what you would have expected but here goes.

Dear Jessica, there are so many things about you I admire. Things I couldn't even hope to touch. You truly sing to the heavens and it astounds me. You have a most grand sense of style that i can't even being to grasp. I've known you for a while now, and you have earned my trust through years of friendship. Whenever I've wanted to have a good gossip you're always there, or if its just time for an old d&m your online in a second. It really sucks that we don't get to see each other much anymore, but the time we do spend together i truly cherish. You make me laugh alot, and i honestly can't help smiling whenever we hang out. I feel like such a fool. I've never really been sure what to do at times with us, but the friendship that has been forged is nothing to lightly brush away. I hold it extremely close to my heart.

Like all my brothers, I will always stand by you for better or worse and will hold to you without fail till the finish.

If anyone ever asked me how or when we met I probably could never tell them. Its funny how people who end up being your closest friends are never really those you instantly click with. But enough of my convoluted musings. The point is jess, that i can tell you anything and no matter how much i type i can never express how happy i am that we are friends.

Thankyou for all you've done

Fallen

This is me at my most undignified.

Does it disgust you to see me crouched, whimpering with hot tears running down my cheeks?

Awkward jerks as i try to be brave, push the emotion away but i can't stop it. I cry out with pain in my voice into the night. You hold your hand out to help me but i refuse it. Am i so stubborn that even now, in my hour of need i'd rather sit cowering in the cold than be with you?

I stare blankly into the camera, and from my eyes, you know you have caused me this pain.

You have brought me to my knees. You all stand there, watching me lick my wounds as tears still trickle down my cheeks. Waiting for me to stand you jeer and call names. Every word you say cuts a little deeper into my heart. Makes me a little less human.

My jaw shuddering i cry through the night. You were never there for me.

No matter how i cry, you are never there.

I have fallen. And you don't even care

The Flood

It's taken a long time to grieve, but now, the flood gates are opening. There is so much i wanted to say to you that now i never will. You meant so much to me, but now you're gone. Every day i miss you my beautiful one, and everyday i mourn your loss. I like to think you must be happier now, but i guess i'll never really know. It never seemed right anyway. You won't even ever read this, yet i am still afraid to say your name again. Everything i said to you, i will never forget. All i want is to see that beautiful face smile that beautiful smile at me one last time. I wish you were still in my life. I am changing now, so maybe it was for the better, but it still hurts everyday. I wonder whether i believe if i'll ever see you again. My mind tells me no, but my heart still dreams that i shall. For such a short time you shone your light to the world, and now it is gone from sight. Never will you be forgotten from my mind, as long as i live.

I'll always love you.

These things i call my own.

I want to be a wanderer, walking joyfully through the world. All my worldly possessions, condensed into the contents of a suitcase.

To live with nothing but the clothes on your back in true freedom.

To throw fortune to the wind and forget the place you once called home.

These things i call my own only hold meaning because i give it to them. By themselves they are simply alone. Without me they are without a heart.

Without a soul.

Even the most blackened within can breathe the great wind of life. The mind is your only one true possession, so care for it well. There are so many things in my life. Endless things. They surround me, and they suffocate me. People are pushed away as more meaningless plastic creations intrude.

I want to cast it all away with every fiber of my being. I must.

You destroy a mans possessions, and he feels as if his life has lost meaning. But in truth, he has gained so much more.

I look around these hallowed halls and think of all that has perspired here. The setting is new to me, its ancient walls meaningless now. I imagine all the people who have passed through here and how little they consider the greatness of this monument. White stone glistens in the sunlight, and for a while, time seems to slow. This is my home now.

We truly are animals at heart. We lust, we gorge, we feed on whatever we are fed. Our will is subtly being washed away, like the gentle wave eroding the rock. So few will notice the change. As my home collapses I am the only who fears the deafening cacophony.

And on the darkest nights i will wait, but nothing happens. My dreams are left hanging in the wind as new challenges will rise, gradually pinning me down. Some seem to fight, others simply give in. Cracks of lighting and roars of thunder beckon the arrival of a Saviour. People fall in fear as the ground shakes blinding light silhouetting figures in the dark. And still i wait.

There is so much to see, so much a man will do to survive. A never ending fight with the inevitable. We all want a hero. We all want that one who will end the madness. So much war. So much famine. Atrocities ravage the land like a plague. People do nothing, instead crying out for a solution. No one thinks. We only want.

Yet slowly deep, deep in the darkest and lowliest pits of the mind you wonder whether he is ever coming at all. You fight your doubts but like a pox they stick to you, slowly squeezing out the hope. The hope that it will end. I see faces crying out in agony, pain beyond belief. And i weep. Tears run down whimpering cheeks and my mask begins to crack.

It falls, shattering on the ground, with my true face now open for all to see. They pull away in disgust discovering what truly lies within us all. I never hid it. I never hid anything. Expressions of fear and contempt ripple throughout the crowds and as always I sheath my blade, awaiting a day of true redemption.

Reformed, the new mask hides us all. All of us creators of the new world. Those who seek guidance are quietly trodden down, none of us bothering to ask. A light shines on the wicked, and like a lion bathing in the sunlight she laps it up.

All I ever wanted to do was feel. Is that so horrible? Is that so immensely distasteful that things must come to this? For days, I loved you intensely. You were my drug. You were my whole. You were my perfect one. But all stories must have an ending you said and you shattered ours like a glass. I was broken and you could do nothing to fix me. But you didn't even try.

Ethereal winds blast through the lands. So many cannot the see them, but to me they are as clear as the night sky. Beautiful colors dancing on the rifts between us and the other. This you cannot take away. This is my sanctuary. My place of respite and healing.

A black shadow falls, and night becomes unending. This is truly the end now we think. No one even tries to turn back.

Redemption has come.

My Saviour awakened.

And as i always new would happen, through all our ideals, through all my love, through all the pain, silence falls.

Rule 31: Enjoy the little things

Its fast getting to that part of the school term where things are due, i'm not doing all my homework, and everything is just getting pretty frantic. Without fail it happens every term, no matter how much i swear i'll change my ways. Even with all this rush though, the one thing that always gets me through is those little things in life. An example maybe.

I was walking to school this morning, and it was pretty lovely weather (despite how the day flushed itself down the toilet later on) and i was moderately enjoying myself. Yes, the lake was its usual muddy browny green but it still has a wonderful charm to it if you're in the right mood. There'll be birds scampering and the occasional child playing in the park. I really love walking to school, because for 40 minutes nothing else matters. I can't change anything in that time so why worry about it? All i have to do is simply enjoy all these little tid bits that come my way. There was a beautiful flock of tiny parrots i saw this morning. It really made my day.

So whenever you're starting to feel a little bogged down, try to remember how gorgeous the world around you is. Find even the smallest thing to turn your day around. It most definitely makes all the difference. Where ever i go, i always endeavor to remember: enjoy the little things.

Opposites attract

this probably isn't anything new to anyone, but i figured i'd type it on up anyhow. I find it very bizarre how, on the whole, my best friends are nothing like me. Of course i have lots of friends with which i share many interests, aspirations and such, but those closest to me are so vastly different. It's not that i find this disturbing or anything. In fact it really is rather grand, and lately I've been trying to suss out the reason why this is so.

Reflected from my friends, i can truly see who i am. I'm not influenced by their tangents taking me off a similar track. They are the mirror to my soul. Ordinary and abstract hold no real meaning, we just simply are. An embracing sense of freedom is found. It is this such reason why i am so close to them, because when i am with them, i truly can just be myself.

No one else can drag me down, because I am happy and I am free. Life is sweet.

Inspiration

you are my inspiration.

your strength strengthens me.

without you, i don't know if i would be where i am now.

you have done so much for me,

and you don't even know it.

I owe you everything,

and you are my everything.

you are my heart and soul.

So much life, and so many take it for granted,

but you grab it firmly,

and lead with the might of a thousand men.

I trust few and far between,

but you have earned it.

If time has taught me anything,

its that i will always be standing by your side,

for better or worse.

brothers in arms,

looking into the face of an eternal sun.

and you do not fall.

thank you

Drawing Near

In little over a year and a half i could hopefully be well on way to achieving my dreams. I'll be closeted away, retaught in a totally different world. Before i do this though, there are still some things i want to do. It's time to start living my life like i mean it again and stop arseing around half the time. Sure, i know i do try at most things i do, but if i'm honest with myself i could try a whole lot harder. Things are starting to boil down to those 'make it or break it' moments and it really is time to get serious. I need admit to myself that at times i do need help, and there is nothing wrong with that. Time to grow up.

Before i get to the place i want to be at, i want to be able to know i can take it. As always there will be a toll, but now i know this is what i want. Even through the sacrifice I know this who i'm meant to be.

My life's passion

Pretty soon i'm gonna have to explain why i love flying in front of the people it really matters to, and i figured this was a good place to start. here goes.

So all my life, I've wanted to fly. I've wanted it more than anything else in the world. Being in the air just grants you an indescribable amount of perspective. No matter how big your problems are, within minutes you can be 1000 feet away, looking down, and seeing how small it really is in the fist place. The high fresh air is (literally and metaphorically) oxygen to my lungs and i can breathe deep and content. So maybe I've had a fight with someone, perhaps even home life is getting me down. No matter the problem, it all fades away when i'm up high in the sky. Every climb and descent makes my body tingle, the sensations of ducking and weaving through the clear crisp air. Its like nothing else on earth.

At the moment, every now and then i'll have a lesson on a little thing called a Jabiru. It travels at about 80 knots, and i find it pretty incredible. But to imagine i could fly something that goes so much faster... a super hornet traveling faster than 350 metres a second, now that just gives me the shivers. Could you imagine going faster than almost everyone else in the world ever will? Flying at heights only achieved by a few? I really do find it incredible.

This truly is my life's passion, and i will fight to the bitter end to achieve my goal. I know i have the potential inside of me, i just need to kick it into gear.

Falling away, like pieces of a wet cake

So, its been a while since I've had moderately meaningful blog post, or even one with some insight for that matter. I'm actually starting to worry, that the more maths, physics and generally nerd related things i undertake, my creativity and spontaneity wanes. I mean I've always had this feeling that I'd always have to choose either my nerdy smart path, or my creative path, but it seems the time is almost upon me. I'm doing pretty much all i can think of to balance all this out, but it really does concern me that I may lose a part of me that will take quite a while to find again. Even while writing this now i'm not making as much sense as I normally would. Things may pick up again, when i start doing some more creative pieces towards the end of term but for now I'm just kind of wondering how things will pan out.

Even if i do manage to keep my creativity going, if i get to ADFA i have no idea whats going to happen to it then. Maybe i'm just destined to have my view slowly narrowed down until only logical straight forward David exists, but honestly i think that would really suck.

One of the things i value most in my life is my creativity and critical thinking capacity, and it would really be grand to retain them. Ironically with all that said I have to go do some maths, but oh well, guess i'll just have to take things one step at a time.

Fuckin Greg

You're such a douche

Bombs over Brooklyn

The cacophony whips through the air. Buildings are razed and people fall. Lights burn bright searing the sky while innocence is burned. There is no more life here. The war is over.

Alone

Do you ever wish, you could live completely alone?

To sit in soulful silence day by day, living on the memories of what once was.

With each day spent in solitude, the past grows gleaming brighter.

Grudges fade, and in your mind you and others become the best of friends.

There is no one to judge your past, no one to tell you it didn't exist.

Time is yours, no one to waste it away.

Leave a kind memory and then live in beautiful solitude.

As memories shine the world becomes a kinder place.

Hatred slowly filtered out only the good times remain.

Unaware of feeling, you drift in and out of reality.

But what does it matter anymore? You're reality is what you make it now.

Ever so subtly memories filter into reality, repopulating the mind.

You have friends now.

No one is going to tell you they do not exist.

And still, through all your remembered friends you remain in peaceful bliss.

Who's to say this world is any less real than the one out there?

Cities are build and razed, kings and queens are over thrown.

Millenniums pass steadily through your vision.

Histories are created and generations are taught on the mistakes of the past.

You're past.

And sooner or later, you loose your grip and fall deeper than you've ever fallen before.

You spiral down through this world of yours and start to loose track of the deception.

You're reality becomes you're reality.

As realities before it, it starts to tarnish.

No longer with a creator you forget the past that lead to the past you now know.

But most definitely one day, you will remember.

A rustle in the trees, the way the leaves fall to the ground.

Something as simple as the smell of tea.

And you will remember what once was.

And the past will shine again.

Blackened teeth

I want to feel pain worse than i have ever felt before.

I want to know how much i can take before i break, lost to the world.

I want to embrace that moment of impact where time stands still and life is in the balance.

I want to gorge on my dread.

I want to fight.

and I want to lose.

I want to be petrified by fear beyond comprehension.

I want demolish my beliefs.

I want to smile with blackened teeth.

For Savanah

because she reads my blog too

Regret

So alot seemed to go down this afternoon, and alot a bad stuff is happening to people i care about, and it's gotten me thinking. Its not often the things we can see coming that make us fall in life, its the stuff that happens before we have time to react. This can leave behind a good bit of regret. I do try to live my life without regret, but its still different to how i would live if i knew i would die tomorrow. It would then seem by the amount of people with regrets in the world that living without regret takes alot of balls. But i really don't think so. Seriously, whats the point of living if you're too afraid to do the things you've always wanted to do?

For My Friends

This is for my dearest and closest friends, who have helped me so much throughout my brief days. As strong as i like to fancy myself at times, the truth is i'm not strong enough, and whenever i fall you are always there. It takes me a long time to bestow my trust in people but you have truly earned it. I see so much in the future and no matter what becomes of us i will always remember your compassion. People ask me every now and then 'what am i most afraid of' and recently I've found its losing you guys. I'm sure i'd manage to go on without you but the world would truly be a porer place.

I'm sure I've sapped on enough as it is, but i really can't express how much the support of a few means to me. Its pretty much just for the two of you reading it (you know who you are) cause i'm pretty sure if i said it in person you'd tell me to shut up :P

And so with the can of corn emptied all over the floor i better give it a rest. Just one last thankyou. Without you guys, i wouldn't be the amazingly successful handsome man i am today ;D

I love you guys

Feelin' Good

The smog of my mind has cleared and i can reach out and embrace the world yet again. A deep breath of fresh air never felt better! Lightning crackles at my fingertips as my power slowly but surely builds. I see so much potential for those in my life, my brilliant friends. A new strength has again welled within me and the dams have been broken down. Piece after piece falls into place, and just when i think i have damaged things beyond repair, i am granted a blessed second chance. To quote that glorious song "Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me. And I'm feeling good"

Memories

He stood by the base of the lighthouse as the waves crashed against the rocks. All he could think of now was home. The sun had long since gone and the wind whipped at his bare arms. What he would give to embrace his family one more time. He turned and entered the lighthouse, the weather had become unbearable. The heavy door closed with a thud behind him and as always the moonlight shone through the window, illuminating his secret garden. No matter the natural color of an object, under the moon everything is the same pale blue. He sat at his chipped table. Despite efforts and promises i hot tear ran slowly down his cheek. His mother, that is who he missed most of all. Another tear whetted his cheek, then another. Drops fell onto the table and he buried his head in his hands, all his grief pouring out as chaos raged outside. Why did they have to leave? He screamed to the sky, but his voice was lost among the sound of the waves and wind. He had not asked for his fate. It seems, he thought, life is cruel. Memories long lost return; his time spent with them but a glimpse of the mind now. Why mother? he questioned the night. Why did you have to leave me? We so seldom appreciate our lives and now there is nothing left. Alone he sat in his timeless prison waiting for anything. They had left him, and now he was lost to the world. He was broken now, and useless to the world. He knew what was to come. I love you. and he continued to weep into the night.

Approaching Storms

The air is thick with all of our fears

Children's eyes burn with

hot, stinging tears.

And all the while you watch

standing idly by

Gashes are torn through all you believe

Like a maddened dog,

We run and stumble blindly

But no matter what we do

we are dragged into the stinking putrid bog

Storms roll in and the time has come,

you must decide what your life is worth.

We have done so much evil,

we are so vain.

The time has come for our worlds rebirth.

And without a doubt, the time is now.

Slide

There are times in life where i feel feelings incomparable to one another. I feel rage beyond reason, and in my rage my mind goes wild. What am I truly at heart that in my hour of need will reject all help instead preferring to make my wounds deeper. Flashes of my life appear before me now as i contemplate. Do you believe in destiny? I don't know what i believe anymore. We are grotesque and beautiful creatures with the whole world at our fingertips, and we waste it. Man has forgotten the power he still possesses. We are not born to serve our boss. We are not made for the cage. Yet day after day we are repeating a cycle we have no say in. We have become slaves. What does it matter if you can't buy that thing you want? If people pick fights with you fight back. Regain your power, and let that which does not matter truly slide.

I am Weak

I set myself a standard and i always fail. People tell me that i'm being to hard on myself. No, i am not being to hard on myself. I am weak, and i must become stronger. Each day my strength my grow but am still far from the heights i must achieve. Why can my mind not learn? despite my efforts it remains constantly on the brink of collapse. Even writing this now i am failing what i achieved to do at this time. What you would you choose if you had to choose between your dream and your mind? I must be in control of myself. I must not falter. I can tell myself every inspirational setting under the sun but still i remain weak. I know what i must sacrifice for strength, but i am not ready, not yet. As always, i will learn to endure through my inability.

The Trade off

The one thing in my life that has never changed has been my dreams, and i would give anything to achieve them. The closer i get to them though, i'm slowly starting to see what i have to give up along the way. How much will i have changed by the time i am at my destination? This thought worries quite alot at times. I do not like what i may have to become.

Everything in life is a trade off, if you want something, you have to be willing to give something up. An example of this is my school work. I'm determined to achieve better results this semester, and though its only still the first week, i'm already feeling the strain of my additional work load. I barely get to have proper conversations with my friends, and, physically, i am exhausted. These things i was expecting however, and am willing to endure.

When i first started college, the thing that threw me the most was how quickly i lost contact with people in my life i no longer saw. Within a few weeks almost everyone but the people at college had dropped off the map. And if i do end up going to ADFA, i'm afraid that everyone i know now will drop off the map also. It takes a long time for me to truly build a connection with someone, and so i cherish few really amazingly great friends i have made over the years and i obviously do not want to loose them. But now seeing how even some of my oldest friends have disappeared, i am worried i will lose almost all of those close to me. I guess for this reason it takes me a while to get close to alot of people. At times it just feels as if i'm going to end up friendless except for a select few.

My goals are getting closer and i am changing. For better or worse at the moment it is impossible to tell. Only time will tell what i must give up.

Relationships

Until a while ago, i was always sure of absolutely everything that was going to happen in my life. I knew what i was going to do, i knew how'd i do it, i knew when i'd settle down. I had everything worked to a T.

But relationships...

The further i go the harder things become, webs are created and my surety of life is shattered. I honestly don't know what to do right now. There are two possibilities that i can think of, but both of them weigh up the same. The people who i would usually talk to are out of the question for this, but at the same time i want to tell them everything. I don't want any of this. My childhood is being pried away me piece by piece as i learn how hard these things can be. At times i just want to run from everything and everyone and live in the simplicity of loneliness.

Two paths present themselves, which am i to take?

I'll tell you what. A times i fucking hate being 17

Well-connected Goat

The following poem is something i hold very close to my heart. It is a beautiful piece of work by Leunig, and as such has illustrations with it, though obviously i cannot display them on this blog. Still, I hope the message gets through, it gives alot of perspective.

Homes are quietly burning:

Madness on the march.

Lies move unresisted

Through the land

We stand by helpless

As our lives are occupied

faster than we

Understand

Collaborators wave

their little flags

As ugliness takes over,

"MAKE A FRIEND OF

UGLINESS" they say

"LEARN THE LANGUAGE.

THEN YOU WON'T GET HURT"

But you will -

No matter how

you crawl,

A knock on the door

one night,

A scuffle in the hall

Your heart rubbed

in the dirt

"Alright!" you scream your

indecision,

"Take the children - but

leave the television!"

So you stand by useless

As childhood is trashed;

Innocence reviled;

The truth is bashed

The home and the

Idea of home

Is set on fire.

And still you stand by

As the goodness in your

culture burns

You stand there in

the glow.

Going, Going -

Going with the flow.

Ah yes, THE FLOW!

Heaven help us.

One Day you might

Be asked, "how come

You did not know

What was going on?

Why did you not fight?"

"FIGHT?" you'll say

"that's a thought that

never occurred."

The very word

brings tears.

It will dawn on

you after all those

painful years

That to fight is one

of the most beautiful,

simple and useful ideas

Ugly Insides

Everyone is obsessed with beauty these days. So focussed on looking just right, being ugly is seemingly the worst thing that could happen to you. Even when looks aren't concerned people will go to all lengths to not be seen as repulsive. So many people have their lives so out of perspective it makes me sick. If you were to open up their heart their corruption would flow out for all to see. So many have an ugliness from within.

How did this happen? How did this corruption spread though our hearts and souls? And it sickens me. There are so few people these days it seems who know what really matters in life. I hate being surrounded by these people who are black inside. The only reason i stay is to try to help them, I know i will hardly make a difference but i have to try. Sometimes its so hard not to just shout to the heavens the hatred i harbor, and let the world know what i really think. I am sick of these ugly people, and i hate our society with a passion

Fresh Start

so, it has been some time since my last blog and i have evaluated its purpose. Originally i created this as an outlet of all my occasional tormented imaginings, but i figure i as may as well put some purpose behind it, so i figure i'll start things on a fresh tone.

To start with i would like to introduce myself. My name is David and i am 17. I lead a generally controlled life, though at times i do have my moments as previous posts of this blog have shown. Instead of streaming all my negative thoughts to this page, i'm going to try to be a little more in depth with things now. So friends (the few of you that occasionally read this page) I bid you adue, and hope I can provide some more interesting material in the future.

Note: i have regained touch

Losing touch

The further i walk through my life, the less i seem to care about all these people i see. Of course i care for their lives as i would any life but the way they live and think seems so different from me now. Some of my closest friends seem to change before my very eyes and i watch them with wonder. I seem to not care about the decisions these people make, nor the consequences that await them. In my eyes, they are alone, as am I. I draw comfort with many things, though human interaction seems to be less important to me now. There are now only a select few who know who i really am, and it is only in these few that i feel i belong. Everywhere else seems foreign to me now. I am tired of these people i see all around. I am tired of the small insight to their lives. It seems essential yet i am standing alone, with but a threads connection attaching me to the world. I am worried one day i will simply drift off to god knows where. Those i love seem so far away now. They do not even hear my voice, their ears are deaf and their eyes are blind to the truth. It seems impossible for them to see things as i do and this i cannot understand. how can they be happy leading their simple luxurious lives? How can they not wonder as i do at the things they see. Miracles are happening all around and they do not realize. But soon one will cave, either they will see or i will be blinded, and i worry that the later is far more likely. Then, even though i will be with them, i will be dead inside, not knowing what i should. Even now i find myself thinking who are these people? why must i be part of their lives? I worry myself, and i'm sure others would worry much if i told them this, but it is simply the truth. I am losing touch.

Change

Change is a necessary thing in life. Without it we would not progress whether it be change within ourselves or change within the outside world. But the one thing that has been plaguing me as of late is that if i am willing to change who i am, to compromise myself, then who will i become? I do not wish to change, yet all around me i see people changing all the time. Is inward change so inevitable that i cannot hope to avoid it? I define myself by living by the phrase 'I step into the dark without fear or complaint' and an uncompromising nature within myself. If I compromise who i am and the morals and ideals that i live by, i will be the very thing i strive to seek out and destroy. So what does the future hold for me? In truth i obviously do not know, but i only wish live by what i know, and remain who i am, even in the face of hopeless despair. If at the very least i can achieve this, i will live a happy man

Determination

Recently I have been reading a small book entitles 'the words Lincoln lived by' which encompasses everyday wisdom spoken on issues such as honesty, justice, etc. One of these that particular touched a nerve with me was determination. Abraham Lincoln was of the view that no matter your situation in life, you are responsible for who you are and what you become. This point really got to me. As most people who know me will tell you, i aspire to be a pilot in the air-force. It is something I have always wanted to do, and i know within myself it will happen. And i thought, am i able to apply this amount of determination to all aspects of my life? I mean its easy to be determined to want something you've worked your whole life for, but would i be able to be that determined to do my homework every night? or go for a run every morning? or even try to learn a new language, something i have often wanted to try. Determination is a property that is too often cast aside these days, yet another positive quality lumped in with kind, compassionate, things like that. We might often say, "Joe is such a good guy, hes so determined and kind" but are we really listening to what we are saying?

It seems in modern society that we too easily cast words by the way side, never really listening to what people are saying. And so with the thought of determination i have come to two conclusions, both seemingly equally valid in my mind. The one thing that really shines through to me however, is that no matter how hard things are, or where you are, or who you are, as long as you are determined, and believe in yourself, you will prevail.

George

George was a simple man, and thus lead a simple life style. Each morning he would get up out of bed, pull on his dark trousers, and head downstairs. A single boiled egg would be all that George would eat for breakfast, a habit which has bemused his family for years, but now as he lived on his own he did no longer have to deal with judgment on his bizzare practice. While eating his egg thoughts wandered in and out of Georges brain, coming and going as they pleased. Occasionally he would hold onto one of these for a few moments more, possibly pondering whether he should buy another set of trousers, or wash the cat. Once he had finished his egg George would rummage for a shirt, preferably with a collar, and set off for work. On the way he passed all the usual sights; the stunted tree, the corner shop, the wino's sitting about in the alley, so on and so forth. The trip took roughly about seven minutes and forty-two seconds and George took in every second of it. He lived for the summers breeze that would blow through the air, gently caressing him as he strode down the lane. A subtle warmth would dance on the cobble stones and fill Georges heart with joy. Sadly, this summers morning was to be Georges last trip down the cobbled lane as the culmination of one of his few indulgences in life came to a head. Within six minutes and seventeen seconds of starting his walk George collapsed on the pavement dead from a cholesterol build up in his heart. In the end it was the eggs that got him. But the sole point of Georges life was not only eat eggs in moderation, but also to enjoy the simple things in life. Though he may have lived simply George did die a happy man, and if given the chance to look back on his life, he would have smiled.

The Wanderer

He walked across the marshes, the sun laying barren and low in the horizon giving an unearthly feeling to land. Trudging slowly, he continued on, his endless walk continuing one staggered step at a time. His hair was long and wild and he had clearly been abroad for months. Clothes hung to his body seemingly willing to fall at any moment worn to but an inch of their once illustrious existence. Large cracks in large boots must have provided little or no protection for his feet, but he did not seem to care. The marsh was a vile place and stunk of rot and decay. Nothing appeared to live apart from the ugly vegetation, and even it seemed suffocated by the dread that could be felt all around. As he walked, something stirred, a creature broke through the surface of one of manly small streams that ran. It was a small, fish like thing, no bigger than a fist, and of little consequence to the man. He broke his stride momentarily to examine the thing in its struggle to survive with everyday life. Swimming, it ducked and dived through the marsh, and briefly it was gone. He thought of freedom, among other things, and held still in a moment of silence.

The man stood and composed himself, his eyes lost in contemplation. And with that he walked yet again across the marsh.