Balance

It's taken me a while to start writing tonight. I was going to write about how hard it is to write, but thats been done more times than I've had hot dinners. I was going to write about soap, but it really isn't that interesting. Sometimes it's nicer just to sit and think for a while. I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately, and though it is needed to ensure that I get everything done before deadlines it is taking a bit of a toll. So maybe I need to take a bit of pressure off. I'm felt like that with a lot of things lately. It's always hard to find the right balance. Am I exercising enough or not enough? Am I putting in the right amount of school work? Do I give as much love to those around me as they deserve? It's been really chewing up a lot of brain space. I guess I'm just going to have to keep slogging away with everything and work where work is needed, that's worked in the past anyway, but it would still be nice to know every once in a while whether I'm doing something right you know? I haven't done any work all afternoon and I don't know whether this is what I need right now, or whether I'm just being lazy. Maybe I'll just immerse myself in a book. That usually warms up the coals. At the end of the day you have to be able to live with the choices that you make, but who's to say they were the right ones? I've been taking up a lot of head space thinking lately. But that's not for here. Apologies for the poor quality tonight, I'm just a little worn out. Have a nice night lovelies.

Snap shots

So I've been blogging every night lately, and it's actually been really nice. Too often whenever I think about blogging it seems like a chore, but lately it seems like just what I've been needing. There's nothing better after a long, confusing and at times heartbreaking day than to sit down and poor out all my thoughts onto the screen, and send them away into the ether. Don't let that make you think I don't have good days. I often do. I've been writing a lot of essays and presentations this week and I think that's what set off this new trend. How ever it started, i am liking it. When I write, and this isn't just blogging, I feel freed. I have my own little world in front of me to mold and shape as I see fit. You have the power to breathe life into your creations and watch them grow and mature. When I write I can be who ever I want to be. I'm no longer constrained to the person I have become. I can witness sights that I have never before seen, and I can learn the truth. Little by little, I learn the true nature of things. When I read its just the same. For just such a short, short time I can get a glimpse into the life of another. For an instant we are bound by and unbreakable bond, our beings interwoven and the difference between us no longer recognizable. Such brilliance. Never underestimate the power of words. No graphic depiction can portray Gatsby's hopeless dream, Huck's moral conflict, Stanley's desire, Ralph's desperate struggle to fight the innate evil that haunts mans every step or Tyler's vision. No action can capture the rage, depression and delirious joy that I feel as I walk through this life. Only the beauty of language. Like a flower after the springtime rain it holds a paradoxically indescribable beauty. Droplets of water shimmering in the early morning light as a velvet warmth covers the landscape. Colours so exquisite all else pales in comparison. That is what my books give to me. I stand but on the tip of an iceberg and the edge of a great ravine. I have not even began to walk the path, yet still, they give me hope, and they give me strength.

a little spark

So today I failed at maths. Really badly. And it would be all too easy to have a long rant and depress everyone with my thoughts of failure, but that wouldn't be treating this blog with the tenderness it deserves, so let's try and make something out of it. I'm writing an essay on 'A streetcar named desire' in English at the moment, and I must say I'm feeling a little like Blanche, her constant fight between fantasy and reality, the conflict between her high ideals and brutal desire. In a harsh and unforgiving world should we do nothing more than act like animals, or fight against the tide and risk loosing everything we have? I've always liked to think that I was a fighter, but maybe I'm just as close to my instincts as everyone else. I am guilty of all the deadly sins, just like all those I see around me everyday. Is it not enough to want to be better? I need strength right now, but its always so hard to know whether your belief in your self will be enough. It's nights like these that I can never sleep, and I just lay on my bed staring out my window into the night sky. The stars hold such old beauty. Even the lone streetlight barely illuminating the footpath with its incandescent glow gains a kind of garish charm in the dark. There is silence all around save from the occasional dog parking or car driving by. I often wonder how many others are doing the same as me in that moment, and I never feel alone. Countless brothers and sisters, not even aware of each others existence. Then, slowly, a little spark of hope creeps into my veins. It's not much, but its enough. Enough to keep me going for another night. I may be delusional, but who's to say I can't dream? I may never fully master my emotions, but then who does? You always have to try right? That's what I believe anyway. It may seem impossible. The significance of your actions may be so minuscule that you needn't have tried in the first place. But you'll never know until you take the first step. In this dark march towards whatever it is we're approaching.... Don't - Don't hang back with the brutes.

The Symphony of the Rain

Don't you just love those rainy afternoons, where you could just sit for hours watching the rain fall? It's like being on a different planet, totally isolated from all the stresses, evils and horrors of the world. Nothing but you and the rain. It seems like all too often these days we loose ourselves in matters of trivial importance: obsessing over marks, trying to reach peak physical condition, trying to find the perfect partner, and trying to lead the perfect life. But none of it matters really. There are very few things that we really need. I need to eat, drink and sleep. I need to keep warm. I need my friends and family. I need to fly. That's it. I don't need to get 100% on an essay. I don't really need to care what other people think about how I live my life. Why do we sit in distress when we are surrounded by such unparalleled beauty? Art, literature, science. The world sings to me. And I am filled with warmth, and hope. The hope that I will never forget the beauty that surrounds me. She sings to us, and I hear every note. Call me daft. Call me blind to the truth. The only one you are deceiving is yourself. Look down deep inside the very fabric of your being and ask yourself if you are really so sure about things. Really. For the meantime I'll just remain in my bubble, looking out onto the moonscape that surrounds me, listening to the symphony of the rain.

harder better faster stronger

Sometimes everything's just really hard. It's so hard to get that perfect balance going in life. I need to put in some more work into school to be able to get the grades I need, but that means I have to sacrifice a lot of other stuff as well. Next week I have three in class essays, twelve hours of writing. Two weeks after that I have three oral presentations, forty-five to sixty minutes of talking. Then three weeks after that I have three exams. Seems three's my lucky number this term. I'm pretty nervous at the moment, but I usually manage to pull through. I feel bad about all my friends. I never see you guys anymore. Don't ever think that if we don't hang out its because I've forgotten you, or that I hate you, or any of that business. It's just me trying to work things out and get my balance right. It's not like its going to get any better next year either though, which always gets me a little down. But it just makes me value all the time I get with you all the more. There is so much I would never have been able to do without you. Honestly, I need you, and I love you guys, really, I do. Getting fit and keeping fit is a constant challenge. Some nights I feel I just don't have the energy to go the gym for the day or maybe I've just got that much stuff to do I don't really have the time. So much to do and so little time to do it. I do enjoy running in the mornings, though on days like today running in -7 degrees isn't the nicest thing. There are moments where I feel like its all too much. It all builds up, and I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. At those times, I want nothing more than to turn and walk away. Just walk. And walk. And walk. Until my problems are far from sight. Those moments make me question who I am, why I am, and the rights that I believe I possess in this vastly, vastly empty universe of ours. But then I think. I try to remember what I'm doing this for, and it all floods back in. And though it may seem foolish or shallow or impossible to relate to, there is nothing on this world like being up in the air, by myself and free. To literally touch the sky. I feel more at home that in any other place on Earth. And that spark, that eternal flame of hope is what burns on through the darkest and coldest nights. It is what drives me to change that which others have determined impossible of change, to believe in the promise of youth, and it is what helps me in those darkest moments to believe in myself. And every now and then I'm lucky enough to catch but a glimpse of my dreams embodying reality. I'm slowly stripping back my possessions until they all fit in my suitcase. My glorious, glorious suitcase. But thats beside the point. I see images, and read stories every day that bring me to within an inch of loosing my faith. But still it remains, for I could not live without it. Though my faults are many I have been gifted with purpose, and conviction. And that is enough. I just had to get some of that stuff out, it's been brewing around for a while.