On the Brink

I am standing on the brink. You never seem to notice the things that I do, only the things I don't. I try my best, but I'm sorry, I'm not you. At times I almost want to fail just to see the look on your face. I'm not a delinquent, I do the best I can. So my rooms a little messy, so i need to do a few jobs. So what. When it comes down to it I do all I can for you. Sure I forget a few things here and there but i'm sorry, thats just what I'm like. I'm a teenager, get used to it. You think you're under appreciated? How do you think I feel working my ass of for the slightest bit of respect. And then you give me nothing. You expect the best and give me nothing to work with. You make me want to leave and never come back. You make me want to cry hot tears into the night. I know you care, but would it kill you to show it once in a while? All I want is something, anything. A pat on the back. A well done. Would that be so hard? I know I'm not perfect, and you're just going to have to deal with that. Even when I've achieved everything I've ever wanted I'll still be doing something wrong. I want to be free, but you have me with a ball and chain. Sometimes I almost think I hate you.

My poison

We work so hard. So many people, striving for goals they know nothing about. All of us moving towards our dreams, having no idea what they really entail. Hope seems intrinsically linked with whatever fate we may hold.

Everyday, my future becomes a little darker. Grim possibilities gradually present themselves, but there is nothing that hold me down from reaching the end of this blackened tunnel. I know i will reach the end, but the cost grows every day. Without doubt, by the end of this ordeal, a little part of me will have died. This is a given. If I can control which part of me this is I am yet to find out.

The air grows noxious as i consider the outcomes. Even if I am distanced from my poison, it still takes hold. Admittedly the thought makes me feel ill to my stomach, though it is a necessity. It is not the concept that plagues me, but the application. Bombs fall in the night, and no body even notices the difference. Whats a few men among millions. A subtle loss, invisible to the naked eye. But with the curse of the gift of sight, these tragedies present themselves ten fold. No matter how far you run you can't keep the memories out.

As the tunnel blackens day by day, I see things for what they really are. Masks are meaningless when tomorrow could mean the end. I sit here, with endless thoughts filling my mind, and I think of what is to come. And what i am to become.

A monster sits alone in the night, unseen by the world.

Futures

We are told that a mans future is like a single thread of string, though ours seem so complexly intertwined. So many back and forths, and i always wonder, was this meant to be? I am tired of getting caught in so many webs. All i want is to know what we are to become. I sit patiently at your feet, and you look down on me. The look in your eyes hold the answers, but i don't want to see. For the thousandth time, i feel the fool. What must you think of me? It turns out I am afraid. It is the hardest thing to admit but it is true. For how much longer will i be lost in the endless tangle? Our paths could clear, and all my efforts be for naught. With all my heart right now, I just want to hold you. I want to brush your hair, and give you my jacket in the cold. But as much as my heart can romanticize, my mind stays cold and relentless. You may be all I want right now, but as always seems to be the case, I cannot have you. Everyday my mind bombards me with questions and prompts. As you are not mine I must pursue other leads, but I refuse. When its comes down to it, I feel nothing for them. Perhaps this is the path i must take anyway, but for now I'll choose to wait. I prefer my dreams of you. One day maybe, but for now our futures don't seem to be ours to decide.

There is something inexplicable about you. It gives me such a feeling, and I am afraid where this will take me. You make me smile, you make me laugh. Few seem to be able to really bring up a sense of joy in me these days, but you do. I view myself from the outside world. I can only imagine I seem strange and brash, but what I say is true. This is quite a time of change within myself, and i have a lot to consider. Though no matter how much is on my mind, you are still up there.

I guess when it boils down to it, and all my metaphors are done with, I am afraid. And it is this fear that binds me, and keeps me from decision. I'll probably never know whether you even see me in the same light, but i had to get that off my chest. So many things seem complicated these days.

A list of sorts

If all goes to plan, after college i'll soon be joining the airforce. Once in, there'll be all kinds of crazy shenanigans happening and i'll be pretty damn happy. But before that, i figured I'd make a list of things that i'd like/need to do. That said, this is really more of a note to myself to look back on at some point and to see how i'm doing.

So lets see. Here it is:

• Go skydiving
• Fly solo
• Get an ATAR of 90 or higher
• Get fit and toned
• Go on a road trip (at least once, maybe more if the car is still alive)
• Go to Melbourne (I've never been and i hear its quite good)
• Be able to fit all my possessions into a suit case (except for books)
• Do the P-off course
• Do a defensive driving course
• Keep up with all my friends and see them more often
• Get accepted to ADFA (kind of a given haha)

So now its done, i must say, it does look rather pathetic. But never the less i'm sure there's things on there i won't even get round to anyway. All said and done, i better get working.

My murderous insides

What do you do when all you know has been turned on its head?

To turn and run is weak.

No matter how hard i try, no matter how long its been, hate still wells within me. Greater than ever it bubbles up, oozing out of my murderous insides. Thirsting for vengeance my eyes turn red. I never thought that i would be able to hate you but here we are. All my life I thought i was building towards this moment, but now, without even a gasp it is gone. And all i am left with is my bitter hate. You stand for things that are meaningless to you, do you even know why you do it anymore? I'll admit, you fought it for a while, but like every single thing you do, you gave up. Who needs a fulfilling life anyway you say. I'm comfortable here. It's not what i always wanted but it's enough.

You disgust me now.

Black froths on your lips and i can see the lies in your eyes. A forked tongue i wish i could chop off. I know why you did it. But i'll never know how you could throw your life short. For a time you were great, but now your days have passed and you are nothing but a pathetic memory clinging to the halls of fame.

I know i'm wrong. I know what i feel is awful, and I know you don't even care how filled with hate I am. Forever is a long time, but i can say now my friend. We are done.

Visions

Cities fall like icy cliffs, smashing into the water below. A man cries his name to the wind, but there is no one to hear it. Where will you be the end is truly insight?

There is one who lies dormant, deep within the land. Slowly dawning from his age long slumber he stirs, restless in the night. Mountains move, the earth is changing. With every waking hour we rot away, our souls blowing in the winters breeze. I wait for you in the blistering cold, but you say you prefer to stay inside.

My darling, why must you do this to yourself?

I see your silhouette in the window, your perfect profile lighting up the night. But it isn't really you. Merely just an image lost in time. If you ever return I will still be here, waiting at your door.

Lurid dreams become apparent and slowly, ever so slowly, you start to realize what is really happening. A knock at the door, a howl at the moon, a flash of darkness in the night. I dare to dream of you, that once again you may become real. But deep in my heart i know this will never happen. You are gone. I don't even know if you ever existed in the first place.

A wiry hand reaches from a dark cloak and grips your arm. You fight it at first, but as always you learn to submit.

Cities in rubble, fire burning unseen throughout the lands.

Visions of horror sweep my mind.

How do you not see this?

But then again, you never did.

For Jess

So you asked for a blog and here it is. I don't really know if its what you would have expected but here goes.

Dear Jessica, there are so many things about you I admire. Things I couldn't even hope to touch. You truly sing to the heavens and it astounds me. You have a most grand sense of style that i can't even being to grasp. I've known you for a while now, and you have earned my trust through years of friendship. Whenever I've wanted to have a good gossip you're always there, or if its just time for an old d&m your online in a second. It really sucks that we don't get to see each other much anymore, but the time we do spend together i truly cherish. You make me laugh alot, and i honestly can't help smiling whenever we hang out. I feel like such a fool. I've never really been sure what to do at times with us, but the friendship that has been forged is nothing to lightly brush away. I hold it extremely close to my heart.

Like all my brothers, I will always stand by you for better or worse and will hold to you without fail till the finish.

If anyone ever asked me how or when we met I probably could never tell them. Its funny how people who end up being your closest friends are never really those you instantly click with. But enough of my convoluted musings. The point is jess, that i can tell you anything and no matter how much i type i can never express how happy i am that we are friends.

Thankyou for all you've done

Fallen

This is me at my most undignified.

Does it disgust you to see me crouched, whimpering with hot tears running down my cheeks?

Awkward jerks as i try to be brave, push the emotion away but i can't stop it. I cry out with pain in my voice into the night. You hold your hand out to help me but i refuse it. Am i so stubborn that even now, in my hour of need i'd rather sit cowering in the cold than be with you?

I stare blankly into the camera, and from my eyes, you know you have caused me this pain.

You have brought me to my knees. You all stand there, watching me lick my wounds as tears still trickle down my cheeks. Waiting for me to stand you jeer and call names. Every word you say cuts a little deeper into my heart. Makes me a little less human.

My jaw shuddering i cry through the night. You were never there for me.

No matter how i cry, you are never there.

I have fallen. And you don't even care

The Flood

It's taken a long time to grieve, but now, the flood gates are opening. There is so much i wanted to say to you that now i never will. You meant so much to me, but now you're gone. Every day i miss you my beautiful one, and everyday i mourn your loss. I like to think you must be happier now, but i guess i'll never really know. It never seemed right anyway. You won't even ever read this, yet i am still afraid to say your name again. Everything i said to you, i will never forget. All i want is to see that beautiful face smile that beautiful smile at me one last time. I wish you were still in my life. I am changing now, so maybe it was for the better, but it still hurts everyday. I wonder whether i believe if i'll ever see you again. My mind tells me no, but my heart still dreams that i shall. For such a short time you shone your light to the world, and now it is gone from sight. Never will you be forgotten from my mind, as long as i live.

I'll always love you.

These things i call my own.

I want to be a wanderer, walking joyfully through the world. All my worldly possessions, condensed into the contents of a suitcase.

To live with nothing but the clothes on your back in true freedom.

To throw fortune to the wind and forget the place you once called home.

These things i call my own only hold meaning because i give it to them. By themselves they are simply alone. Without me they are without a heart.

Without a soul.

Even the most blackened within can breathe the great wind of life. The mind is your only one true possession, so care for it well. There are so many things in my life. Endless things. They surround me, and they suffocate me. People are pushed away as more meaningless plastic creations intrude.

I want to cast it all away with every fiber of my being. I must.

You destroy a mans possessions, and he feels as if his life has lost meaning. But in truth, he has gained so much more.

I look around these hallowed halls and think of all that has perspired here. The setting is new to me, its ancient walls meaningless now. I imagine all the people who have passed through here and how little they consider the greatness of this monument. White stone glistens in the sunlight, and for a while, time seems to slow. This is my home now.

We truly are animals at heart. We lust, we gorge, we feed on whatever we are fed. Our will is subtly being washed away, like the gentle wave eroding the rock. So few will notice the change. As my home collapses I am the only who fears the deafening cacophony.

And on the darkest nights i will wait, but nothing happens. My dreams are left hanging in the wind as new challenges will rise, gradually pinning me down. Some seem to fight, others simply give in. Cracks of lighting and roars of thunder beckon the arrival of a Saviour. People fall in fear as the ground shakes blinding light silhouetting figures in the dark. And still i wait.

There is so much to see, so much a man will do to survive. A never ending fight with the inevitable. We all want a hero. We all want that one who will end the madness. So much war. So much famine. Atrocities ravage the land like a plague. People do nothing, instead crying out for a solution. No one thinks. We only want.

Yet slowly deep, deep in the darkest and lowliest pits of the mind you wonder whether he is ever coming at all. You fight your doubts but like a pox they stick to you, slowly squeezing out the hope. The hope that it will end. I see faces crying out in agony, pain beyond belief. And i weep. Tears run down whimpering cheeks and my mask begins to crack.

It falls, shattering on the ground, with my true face now open for all to see. They pull away in disgust discovering what truly lies within us all. I never hid it. I never hid anything. Expressions of fear and contempt ripple throughout the crowds and as always I sheath my blade, awaiting a day of true redemption.

Reformed, the new mask hides us all. All of us creators of the new world. Those who seek guidance are quietly trodden down, none of us bothering to ask. A light shines on the wicked, and like a lion bathing in the sunlight she laps it up.

All I ever wanted to do was feel. Is that so horrible? Is that so immensely distasteful that things must come to this? For days, I loved you intensely. You were my drug. You were my whole. You were my perfect one. But all stories must have an ending you said and you shattered ours like a glass. I was broken and you could do nothing to fix me. But you didn't even try.

Ethereal winds blast through the lands. So many cannot the see them, but to me they are as clear as the night sky. Beautiful colors dancing on the rifts between us and the other. This you cannot take away. This is my sanctuary. My place of respite and healing.

A black shadow falls, and night becomes unending. This is truly the end now we think. No one even tries to turn back.

Redemption has come.

My Saviour awakened.

And as i always new would happen, through all our ideals, through all my love, through all the pain, silence falls.

Rule 31: Enjoy the little things

Its fast getting to that part of the school term where things are due, i'm not doing all my homework, and everything is just getting pretty frantic. Without fail it happens every term, no matter how much i swear i'll change my ways. Even with all this rush though, the one thing that always gets me through is those little things in life. An example maybe.

I was walking to school this morning, and it was pretty lovely weather (despite how the day flushed itself down the toilet later on) and i was moderately enjoying myself. Yes, the lake was its usual muddy browny green but it still has a wonderful charm to it if you're in the right mood. There'll be birds scampering and the occasional child playing in the park. I really love walking to school, because for 40 minutes nothing else matters. I can't change anything in that time so why worry about it? All i have to do is simply enjoy all these little tid bits that come my way. There was a beautiful flock of tiny parrots i saw this morning. It really made my day.

So whenever you're starting to feel a little bogged down, try to remember how gorgeous the world around you is. Find even the smallest thing to turn your day around. It most definitely makes all the difference. Where ever i go, i always endeavor to remember: enjoy the little things.

Opposites attract

this probably isn't anything new to anyone, but i figured i'd type it on up anyhow. I find it very bizarre how, on the whole, my best friends are nothing like me. Of course i have lots of friends with which i share many interests, aspirations and such, but those closest to me are so vastly different. It's not that i find this disturbing or anything. In fact it really is rather grand, and lately I've been trying to suss out the reason why this is so.

Reflected from my friends, i can truly see who i am. I'm not influenced by their tangents taking me off a similar track. They are the mirror to my soul. Ordinary and abstract hold no real meaning, we just simply are. An embracing sense of freedom is found. It is this such reason why i am so close to them, because when i am with them, i truly can just be myself.

No one else can drag me down, because I am happy and I am free. Life is sweet.

Inspiration

you are my inspiration.

your strength strengthens me.

without you, i don't know if i would be where i am now.

you have done so much for me,

and you don't even know it.

I owe you everything,

and you are my everything.

you are my heart and soul.

So much life, and so many take it for granted,

but you grab it firmly,

and lead with the might of a thousand men.

I trust few and far between,

but you have earned it.

If time has taught me anything,

its that i will always be standing by your side,

for better or worse.

brothers in arms,

looking into the face of an eternal sun.

and you do not fall.

thank you

Drawing Near

In little over a year and a half i could hopefully be well on way to achieving my dreams. I'll be closeted away, retaught in a totally different world. Before i do this though, there are still some things i want to do. It's time to start living my life like i mean it again and stop arseing around half the time. Sure, i know i do try at most things i do, but if i'm honest with myself i could try a whole lot harder. Things are starting to boil down to those 'make it or break it' moments and it really is time to get serious. I need admit to myself that at times i do need help, and there is nothing wrong with that. Time to grow up.

Before i get to the place i want to be at, i want to be able to know i can take it. As always there will be a toll, but now i know this is what i want. Even through the sacrifice I know this who i'm meant to be.

My life's passion

Pretty soon i'm gonna have to explain why i love flying in front of the people it really matters to, and i figured this was a good place to start. here goes.

So all my life, I've wanted to fly. I've wanted it more than anything else in the world. Being in the air just grants you an indescribable amount of perspective. No matter how big your problems are, within minutes you can be 1000 feet away, looking down, and seeing how small it really is in the fist place. The high fresh air is (literally and metaphorically) oxygen to my lungs and i can breathe deep and content. So maybe I've had a fight with someone, perhaps even home life is getting me down. No matter the problem, it all fades away when i'm up high in the sky. Every climb and descent makes my body tingle, the sensations of ducking and weaving through the clear crisp air. Its like nothing else on earth.

At the moment, every now and then i'll have a lesson on a little thing called a Jabiru. It travels at about 80 knots, and i find it pretty incredible. But to imagine i could fly something that goes so much faster... a super hornet traveling faster than 350 metres a second, now that just gives me the shivers. Could you imagine going faster than almost everyone else in the world ever will? Flying at heights only achieved by a few? I really do find it incredible.

This truly is my life's passion, and i will fight to the bitter end to achieve my goal. I know i have the potential inside of me, i just need to kick it into gear.

Falling away, like pieces of a wet cake

So, its been a while since I've had moderately meaningful blog post, or even one with some insight for that matter. I'm actually starting to worry, that the more maths, physics and generally nerd related things i undertake, my creativity and spontaneity wanes. I mean I've always had this feeling that I'd always have to choose either my nerdy smart path, or my creative path, but it seems the time is almost upon me. I'm doing pretty much all i can think of to balance all this out, but it really does concern me that I may lose a part of me that will take quite a while to find again. Even while writing this now i'm not making as much sense as I normally would. Things may pick up again, when i start doing some more creative pieces towards the end of term but for now I'm just kind of wondering how things will pan out.

Even if i do manage to keep my creativity going, if i get to ADFA i have no idea whats going to happen to it then. Maybe i'm just destined to have my view slowly narrowed down until only logical straight forward David exists, but honestly i think that would really suck.

One of the things i value most in my life is my creativity and critical thinking capacity, and it would really be grand to retain them. Ironically with all that said I have to go do some maths, but oh well, guess i'll just have to take things one step at a time.

Fuckin Greg

You're such a douche

Bombs over Brooklyn

The cacophony whips through the air. Buildings are razed and people fall. Lights burn bright searing the sky while innocence is burned. There is no more life here. The war is over.

Alone

Do you ever wish, you could live completely alone?

To sit in soulful silence day by day, living on the memories of what once was.

With each day spent in solitude, the past grows gleaming brighter.

Grudges fade, and in your mind you and others become the best of friends.

There is no one to judge your past, no one to tell you it didn't exist.

Time is yours, no one to waste it away.

Leave a kind memory and then live in beautiful solitude.

As memories shine the world becomes a kinder place.

Hatred slowly filtered out only the good times remain.

Unaware of feeling, you drift in and out of reality.

But what does it matter anymore? You're reality is what you make it now.

Ever so subtly memories filter into reality, repopulating the mind.

You have friends now.

No one is going to tell you they do not exist.

And still, through all your remembered friends you remain in peaceful bliss.

Who's to say this world is any less real than the one out there?

Cities are build and razed, kings and queens are over thrown.

Millenniums pass steadily through your vision.

Histories are created and generations are taught on the mistakes of the past.

You're past.

And sooner or later, you loose your grip and fall deeper than you've ever fallen before.

You spiral down through this world of yours and start to loose track of the deception.

You're reality becomes you're reality.

As realities before it, it starts to tarnish.

No longer with a creator you forget the past that lead to the past you now know.

But most definitely one day, you will remember.

A rustle in the trees, the way the leaves fall to the ground.

Something as simple as the smell of tea.

And you will remember what once was.

And the past will shine again.