The green light

So despite being sick, and being surrounded by the mess I've turned my room into, I'm starting to feel pretty good again. There have been a few things that have been causing me a bit of grief lately, but things are starting to seem a little bit clearer. I feeling a lot more of a need to blog honestly, as this is what I have this thing for. To get my thoughts out there and make sense of them. So there'll probably be a bit less cryptic nonsense. If anyone gets offended by various things, sorry but it's how I feel. Few people read it anyway.

First of all, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to achieve highly at school. Every piece of work has to be my best work and needless to say this has been causing a decent bit of stress. I think that if I really REALLY try hard, I could potentially top a good number of my classes, and if I don't I always feel as if I'm wasting my potential. I've always been a bit over achieving in this regard. However, now I'm happy to have a bit of a chill. I'm still aiming high, but lets face it, I'm never going to get to the top if all I do is worry about it and let it eat away at me. I can put the effort it, and if I don't like what I get I just do better next time. No more stressing, I'm moving forward.

Another factor thats been getting to me a little is relationships. My god, I always make such a big deal out of these things. For those of you that don't know, I've essentially been set up with Toria's friend Gabie a few times, and I kind of like her. Not entirely sure, but that's where the road is headed. She's pretty, nice and we have a decent amount in common. Not possessing the supremely high emotional intelligence I would like however, I find it hard to gauge how she feels about me. I'm getting a few vibes, but yeah, I find it difficult to know what to do next, and in typical David fashion, I obsess about it. There's that perfectionist streak again. Question's frequently bounce around in my head such as: when do I text her next? When should I ask her out? Am I able to actually keep something like this rolling? When am I able to do stuff during the week? What could I cut back to make time for this? I get way to serious. I don't even know the girl properly yet. Ye gods. I'm trying to take a bit of a different approach however, to optimize my wellbeing, and it seems to be working. More on that as it unfolds I guess.

I've also been thinking a lot about my relationships with my friends as well, not just the romantic side of things, and I've come to a few realizations. Joel exempt, I don't really have anyone who understands me wholly. Many whom I'm able to talk to about about the philosophical side of life I'm unable to talk to about my career aspirations and future plans, and visa versa. This makes things a little hard sometimes when trying to convey ideas that involve both ends of the spectrum. An example of this was the other day. I was involved with hannah's (and gen's/jess's? i don't know) media assignment, and it was all well and good. The only thing I'd really wanted to that day was go to skyfire at 6, to see the Hornet do a fly over. That was the only thing. Inevitably, it didn't happen. I'm not that cut about it, but it was more the 'meh' attitude of everyone that got to me. As Nathan said 'it's just a plane'. To you it may just be a plane, but to me it's way more that that, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain that to you guys. This also led me to contemplate whether I will ever be able to appreciate your life's passion as much as you will. So yeah, doing a lot of thinking in that direction.

As always I'm still thinking about defence. My officer selection board is in the first week of the holidays, and time seems to be going faster and faster as the weeks clock over. I'm not worried though, I have a plan and I'm pretty sure it'll come off fine. Not much more to say about that.

And then, at the end of the day I'm left thinking that while I sit here and try to make sense out of every little thing that happens in my life, horrible things are still happening. Any good I try to equals nothing in the grand scheme of things.

But you never know what could happen. After all this tomfoolery, I guess it boils down to this.

I believe in the green light.

Drivel

Sometimes I wonder about the way i view the world and what I expect from it. I think a lot of the time I'm expecting way too much. Right now all I want to do is fly planes for the rest of my life. To be up in the sky, completely focused. The Zen master. Obviously, there are a few steps to get there and even if i do get there i'll still have to deal with a load of other stuff anyways. I mean i can't be in the air 100% of the time. It might just be all the stuff with school thats making this a hard choice as well, though school ends in months and by then I'll have bigger fish to fry. I still think school is getting in the way. 6 classes and src takes its toll and I have to expect the energy to come from somewhere. Especially if i want to stay fit. Right now I'd have to admit its not looking great, but I'd really love that to turn around. Though I'd probably have problems with my expectations again. The ones I need are gone. The ones I want are gone. I don't want to talk to whats left. I doubt they could understand no matter how hard they tried. Not that they're bad. Its just hard to explain sometimes you know? My brain and my body are telling me two different things at the moment, and I'm not entirely sure which one to trust. Honest to god I feel so dumb sometimes. So goddam dumb. I just can't seem to figure my shit out half the time. Get it together David. I think i'll just sit with how things are at the moment. Potentially for the best. Though by that reason potentially for the worst as well. Remain chipper. Don't make your move. You have nothing to rush right now. It gets damn boring sometimes though. Oh well. I'll live. I'll always live.

exploitations

What do you do when you are aware of every exploitation that has made you what you are? Every little pair of hands that made your clothes, every smog belching factory that gave you your plastics, every life that was lost for your indulgences. Countless lives wasted on a label. Species made extinct for your art deco house. Every joy we have is because of another's inconsolable sorrow. Deep down, I hate my festering core. I hate myself for everything that I am, and you should to.

Agents of Death

We think because we fight for our country that our cause is just; that because we wear our uniform with pride, we will die an honourable death; we think we can justify the killing. The truth is we are agents of death. Paid to kill, and then to go home and love our families. We cannot justify the loss of life. We simply numb over time.

"Battle not with monsters, lest you become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gases also into you"

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Mother dearest

How do I even start this one? So much to say. You've been there for me since day one, never letting me fall. Kindling my dreams unlike so many who tried to rub them in the dirt. You have taught me so much about myself and the world. No matter how I try, I don't think I'll ever be able to give you the love, affection, attention and hugs you deserve. I guess most of all, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all the talks we've had. For all the secrets I've confided with you. For all the hugs you've given me. For all the times you've believed in me. For all the love you have bestowed upon me. You truly are a gentle and beautiful soul. Whenever my faith is broken, you help me build it right back up again, brick by brick. I know I can tell you anything, and I could never say how happy that makes me. Just sitting here deciding what to right makes my heart overflow with emotion. So many times we've shared that I wish we could share again. There are so many memories of things you've said to me, and morals you have instilled in me that have come to define my character. I don't know if I'll ever possess your kindness, compassion and empathy, but I swear I'll try. And despite a few things that may have happened along the way (including the occasional poisoning) don't think that I'll ever hold any of it against you, ever. You are my guiding light.

It's getting late, and I really should be getting to bed I know, but I just wanted to say that before the moment was gone. God knows there is so much more I would love to say, but that's for another time. I'll always be here for you.

I love you mum.