Blackened teeth

I want to feel pain worse than i have ever felt before.

I want to know how much i can take before i break, lost to the world.

I want to embrace that moment of impact where time stands still and life is in the balance.

I want to gorge on my dread.

I want to fight.

and I want to lose.

I want to be petrified by fear beyond comprehension.

I want demolish my beliefs.

I want to smile with blackened teeth.

For Savanah

because she reads my blog too

Regret

So alot seemed to go down this afternoon, and alot a bad stuff is happening to people i care about, and it's gotten me thinking. Its not often the things we can see coming that make us fall in life, its the stuff that happens before we have time to react. This can leave behind a good bit of regret. I do try to live my life without regret, but its still different to how i would live if i knew i would die tomorrow. It would then seem by the amount of people with regrets in the world that living without regret takes alot of balls. But i really don't think so. Seriously, whats the point of living if you're too afraid to do the things you've always wanted to do?

For My Friends

This is for my dearest and closest friends, who have helped me so much throughout my brief days. As strong as i like to fancy myself at times, the truth is i'm not strong enough, and whenever i fall you are always there. It takes me a long time to bestow my trust in people but you have truly earned it. I see so much in the future and no matter what becomes of us i will always remember your compassion. People ask me every now and then 'what am i most afraid of' and recently I've found its losing you guys. I'm sure i'd manage to go on without you but the world would truly be a porer place.

I'm sure I've sapped on enough as it is, but i really can't express how much the support of a few means to me. Its pretty much just for the two of you reading it (you know who you are) cause i'm pretty sure if i said it in person you'd tell me to shut up :P

And so with the can of corn emptied all over the floor i better give it a rest. Just one last thankyou. Without you guys, i wouldn't be the amazingly successful handsome man i am today ;D

I love you guys

Feelin' Good

The smog of my mind has cleared and i can reach out and embrace the world yet again. A deep breath of fresh air never felt better! Lightning crackles at my fingertips as my power slowly but surely builds. I see so much potential for those in my life, my brilliant friends. A new strength has again welled within me and the dams have been broken down. Piece after piece falls into place, and just when i think i have damaged things beyond repair, i am granted a blessed second chance. To quote that glorious song "Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me. And I'm feeling good"

Memories

He stood by the base of the lighthouse as the waves crashed against the rocks. All he could think of now was home. The sun had long since gone and the wind whipped at his bare arms. What he would give to embrace his family one more time. He turned and entered the lighthouse, the weather had become unbearable. The heavy door closed with a thud behind him and as always the moonlight shone through the window, illuminating his secret garden. No matter the natural color of an object, under the moon everything is the same pale blue. He sat at his chipped table. Despite efforts and promises i hot tear ran slowly down his cheek. His mother, that is who he missed most of all. Another tear whetted his cheek, then another. Drops fell onto the table and he buried his head in his hands, all his grief pouring out as chaos raged outside. Why did they have to leave? He screamed to the sky, but his voice was lost among the sound of the waves and wind. He had not asked for his fate. It seems, he thought, life is cruel. Memories long lost return; his time spent with them but a glimpse of the mind now. Why mother? he questioned the night. Why did you have to leave me? We so seldom appreciate our lives and now there is nothing left. Alone he sat in his timeless prison waiting for anything. They had left him, and now he was lost to the world. He was broken now, and useless to the world. He knew what was to come. I love you. and he continued to weep into the night.

Approaching Storms

The air is thick with all of our fears

Children's eyes burn with

hot, stinging tears.

And all the while you watch

standing idly by

Gashes are torn through all you believe

Like a maddened dog,

We run and stumble blindly

But no matter what we do

we are dragged into the stinking putrid bog

Storms roll in and the time has come,

you must decide what your life is worth.

We have done so much evil,

we are so vain.

The time has come for our worlds rebirth.

And without a doubt, the time is now.

Slide

There are times in life where i feel feelings incomparable to one another. I feel rage beyond reason, and in my rage my mind goes wild. What am I truly at heart that in my hour of need will reject all help instead preferring to make my wounds deeper. Flashes of my life appear before me now as i contemplate. Do you believe in destiny? I don't know what i believe anymore. We are grotesque and beautiful creatures with the whole world at our fingertips, and we waste it. Man has forgotten the power he still possesses. We are not born to serve our boss. We are not made for the cage. Yet day after day we are repeating a cycle we have no say in. We have become slaves. What does it matter if you can't buy that thing you want? If people pick fights with you fight back. Regain your power, and let that which does not matter truly slide.

I am Weak

I set myself a standard and i always fail. People tell me that i'm being to hard on myself. No, i am not being to hard on myself. I am weak, and i must become stronger. Each day my strength my grow but am still far from the heights i must achieve. Why can my mind not learn? despite my efforts it remains constantly on the brink of collapse. Even writing this now i am failing what i achieved to do at this time. What you would you choose if you had to choose between your dream and your mind? I must be in control of myself. I must not falter. I can tell myself every inspirational setting under the sun but still i remain weak. I know what i must sacrifice for strength, but i am not ready, not yet. As always, i will learn to endure through my inability.

The Trade off

The one thing in my life that has never changed has been my dreams, and i would give anything to achieve them. The closer i get to them though, i'm slowly starting to see what i have to give up along the way. How much will i have changed by the time i am at my destination? This thought worries quite alot at times. I do not like what i may have to become.

Everything in life is a trade off, if you want something, you have to be willing to give something up. An example of this is my school work. I'm determined to achieve better results this semester, and though its only still the first week, i'm already feeling the strain of my additional work load. I barely get to have proper conversations with my friends, and, physically, i am exhausted. These things i was expecting however, and am willing to endure.

When i first started college, the thing that threw me the most was how quickly i lost contact with people in my life i no longer saw. Within a few weeks almost everyone but the people at college had dropped off the map. And if i do end up going to ADFA, i'm afraid that everyone i know now will drop off the map also. It takes a long time for me to truly build a connection with someone, and so i cherish few really amazingly great friends i have made over the years and i obviously do not want to loose them. But now seeing how even some of my oldest friends have disappeared, i am worried i will lose almost all of those close to me. I guess for this reason it takes me a while to get close to alot of people. At times it just feels as if i'm going to end up friendless except for a select few.

My goals are getting closer and i am changing. For better or worse at the moment it is impossible to tell. Only time will tell what i must give up.

Relationships

Until a while ago, i was always sure of absolutely everything that was going to happen in my life. I knew what i was going to do, i knew how'd i do it, i knew when i'd settle down. I had everything worked to a T.

But relationships...

The further i go the harder things become, webs are created and my surety of life is shattered. I honestly don't know what to do right now. There are two possibilities that i can think of, but both of them weigh up the same. The people who i would usually talk to are out of the question for this, but at the same time i want to tell them everything. I don't want any of this. My childhood is being pried away me piece by piece as i learn how hard these things can be. At times i just want to run from everything and everyone and live in the simplicity of loneliness.

Two paths present themselves, which am i to take?

I'll tell you what. A times i fucking hate being 17

Well-connected Goat

The following poem is something i hold very close to my heart. It is a beautiful piece of work by Leunig, and as such has illustrations with it, though obviously i cannot display them on this blog. Still, I hope the message gets through, it gives alot of perspective.

Homes are quietly burning:

Madness on the march.

Lies move unresisted

Through the land

We stand by helpless

As our lives are occupied

faster than we

Understand

Collaborators wave

their little flags

As ugliness takes over,

"MAKE A FRIEND OF

UGLINESS" they say

"LEARN THE LANGUAGE.

THEN YOU WON'T GET HURT"

But you will -

No matter how

you crawl,

A knock on the door

one night,

A scuffle in the hall

Your heart rubbed

in the dirt

"Alright!" you scream your

indecision,

"Take the children - but

leave the television!"

So you stand by useless

As childhood is trashed;

Innocence reviled;

The truth is bashed

The home and the

Idea of home

Is set on fire.

And still you stand by

As the goodness in your

culture burns

You stand there in

the glow.

Going, Going -

Going with the flow.

Ah yes, THE FLOW!

Heaven help us.

One Day you might

Be asked, "how come

You did not know

What was going on?

Why did you not fight?"

"FIGHT?" you'll say

"that's a thought that

never occurred."

The very word

brings tears.

It will dawn on

you after all those

painful years

That to fight is one

of the most beautiful,

simple and useful ideas

Ugly Insides

Everyone is obsessed with beauty these days. So focussed on looking just right, being ugly is seemingly the worst thing that could happen to you. Even when looks aren't concerned people will go to all lengths to not be seen as repulsive. So many people have their lives so out of perspective it makes me sick. If you were to open up their heart their corruption would flow out for all to see. So many have an ugliness from within.

How did this happen? How did this corruption spread though our hearts and souls? And it sickens me. There are so few people these days it seems who know what really matters in life. I hate being surrounded by these people who are black inside. The only reason i stay is to try to help them, I know i will hardly make a difference but i have to try. Sometimes its so hard not to just shout to the heavens the hatred i harbor, and let the world know what i really think. I am sick of these ugly people, and i hate our society with a passion

Fresh Start

so, it has been some time since my last blog and i have evaluated its purpose. Originally i created this as an outlet of all my occasional tormented imaginings, but i figure i as may as well put some purpose behind it, so i figure i'll start things on a fresh tone.

To start with i would like to introduce myself. My name is David and i am 17. I lead a generally controlled life, though at times i do have my moments as previous posts of this blog have shown. Instead of streaming all my negative thoughts to this page, i'm going to try to be a little more in depth with things now. So friends (the few of you that occasionally read this page) I bid you adue, and hope I can provide some more interesting material in the future.

Note: i have regained touch