Like water from a hose

Lately, as I'm sure is clear by the dramatic increase in blog posts, I seem to have had a lot to say. Before, I clearly didn't. My conclusion:

Maths eats my brain.

Sure, I'm a little tired and not quite thinking straight, but its perfectly legible.

wait legible? .. i mean logical. good god I need some sleep.

Children are the future! (title to be sung in an empowering way)

So my english class, children's literature, is pretty fun. Sure, I don't really have any friends in it (well 'friend' friends at least, you get what i mean) but i still really enjoy it. One of the assessments for this class, is that we get to do a storytelling to some little kids at a day care centre. I'm not gonna lie, I had been looking forward to it. So its Tuesday, and I rock up all ready to go. We had to tell the kids a story, play a game with them, and do a craft. My book of choices was the forever classic 'where the wild things are' in my opinion, the greatest children's book known to man. I had a little game worked out, and for the craft they were all going to make a crown and be the king of their own wild kingdom. I was phyced.

Crafts in hand, I enter the room. Immediately, a crowd gathers. Questions are hurled at me from tiny mouths:

"Who are you?"

"Whats your name?"

"How old are you?"

"Why are you wearing a crown?"

"I have a watch!"

And bam! I'm in the thick of it. So i start worrying a little bit, because Leonie (my teacher) isn't there and I have to keep them occupied for a bit. But they were actually the cutest things ever. There honestly is nothing like having kids hanging from your arms and legs as you fall to the floor. Bliss.

Leonie soon arrives and we stop playing around. Every washes their hands after having just had some morning tea (good old nutritional fruit) and sit on the rug for storytelling. I should have probably mentioned this earlier that I was told there were ADD kids in the crowd. Yes indeedy. The storybooks opened and I begin to read. I'm halfway through the first sentence when the kids realize there's a picture of a dog on page. Again i'm bombarded with tiny voices:

"I have a dog!"

"I have two dogs!"

"My dog does that!"

"I chase my dog!"

To be truthful, it threw me a little. But like the courageous man I am, I persevered (cue shot of me looking into sunset). Luckily for little old me, they got drawn in and actually seemed to enjoy it. PHEW. Now for a few little games. After a good bit of a dance around and feeling like the biggest dork on earth, we play a pretty simple version of whats the time mr wolf. Predictably, it ends in me being yet again crash tackles by 15 small children. yep. I was p0wned by 4 year olds.

The craft ran pretty well despite a kid or two gluing everything to his face instead of the crown. Within half an hour it was done and dusted and i totally aced it. yeaboi!

Looking back on it now, it was by far the highlight of my week. There is something about little kids that is just so refreshing. They're honest, and at times, a little too honest, but thats what's so brilliant about them. As we grow up we're given all these rules to follow, etiquette to uphold, but they have non of that. Its really amazing how you can learn so much from such little people. Oh children, you are adorable.

I can't get no..

So the more I think about it, the more excited I am about volunteering for stuff these holidays as opposed to getting the typical summer job. This is for a number of reasons.

1. I'm not a big spender. Well, i guess at times I am, but I don't spend a whole lot. Please note i'm not glorifying myself or anything, in fact that people that buy are lot are usually the cool ones, but hey. The point is at the moment, I don't need the money. If i get a job and have some money to play around with, it'll start being put towards pointless things until I am disgusted at what I have become. And who wants that? At least not me. I will be given the resources to fill a whole i have not yet dug, and it'll make me weird.

2. I'd much rather help some dude out, than work endlessly for a mindless corporation. Sure, that dude'll probably end up working for a mindless corporation, and I'll be buying stuff from the corporation, but at the moment its all about helping people and I'm still taking baby steps. One day i'm helping a bum on the street, the next I'm saving Africa. You dig? Sure, in the long run i'm piloting jets and shooting people.. but hey, thats another story for another day.

3. As much as it sounds like i'm making myself look good, I actually enjoy helping people out (insert Joel: "I'll help you out!" -shakes fist-). But think about it, who doesn't enjoy helping people out a little? Sure, i can understand that it takes a lot of effort at times but i mean when its something simple, you can get so much joy out of doing something so small. I think over time everyones lost that sense of helping someone out. Everyones still willing to help a mate out, but what about the man on the street? Which leads a little into point number four.

4. I kind of want to change attitudes. Yes, I know i'm being crazily ridiculous as always but if you can't hope, what can you do? Everyone has potential to do wonderful things, but we forget that so easily. All peoples money and talent going towards self indulgent fantasies or even worse, just fading way all together. Time everyone got a good spring in their step once again and started pitching in, making the world a better place and what not.

Well i quite think thats enough ideals for now. Later blog peeps.

A collection of thoughts on love

Love. A subject I hold very close to my heart. I do believe in it, but the older i get I kind of stop believing in love as its portrayed in the movies. We spend our whole life waiting for mr/mrs right, and when we find them everything's perfect and we live happily ever after? Honestly, I think thats a load or garbage. To me, love isn't finding someone perfect, its finding someone you're willing to go the distance with. Those special people that, no matter what they do or whatever they get themselves into, you'll always be there for them. Someone you can argue with. Someone who might even make you rip out your hair at times but when it comes down to it, neither of you want the other to leave. The thing is, when i think about it, I think i'd actually prefer to have someone with that kind of connection then rather just live perfectly forever. So many people I see sitting around waiting for a time where they'll let love happen or waiting for the person who will be just right. But I mean we're all just people. None of us are born superior to any other (of course in social and economic terms this isn't accurate but you get my point) yet we wait around for that someone to walk around the corner. We all have our weird little things we do. We all have secrets we never tell. We all wear masks from time to time. Whats to say they're going to be different? Over time, society has just heightened and heightened our expectations to unrealistic proportions. I mean sure, a relationship takes effort, but with the level of perfection needed from a partner these days its more like work rather than a real relationship. I still have dreams. I am not unlike everyone with their visions of a perfect life, its just a little different.

I want to live in a bare house and buy our furniture piece by piece.

I want to have a garden where i can grow fruits and vegetables, and just lie in the grass.

I want road trips to the beach where because of all the stuff that happened, we only get to stay a few hours, but its worth it just to have them there.

I want to make them feel safe.

I want someone to hold on cold nights.

I want them to be cool with my friends.

I want to have stupid arguments over nothing.

But for now they're just dreams. Who knows, someday they may come true. But i doubt it, I doubt i'll even remember them when it happens.

Well that was nonsensical

Time for a change

Its not that i don't enjoy how things are going at the moment, in fact they're going rather well and i'm pretty happy. But as always holidays are gonna give me a lot of free time and with job prospects not looking amazing, i figure I'm going to try to a bit more community and personal stuff with my time. Pretty sure its time to start planning these things now, seeing as the next four weeks will go nice and quick, and when the holidays start i'll have to go from nothing. So here we go.

I WILL get fit these holidays. Yes, I say this every set of holidays but i figure a good couple of months will be enough to actually make a difference. I already have my plan down, so its just a matter of sticking to it. Again, this still hasn't always led to success in the past but a few summers ago I started my running and I really got into that, so there's not reason I shouldn't go for it again. I'll probably try to gym a little more though or at least do some weights at home. I mean running gets rid of a gut and gets you fit, but it doesn't really do much tonal stuff, especially upper body wise. So thats that sorted.

I'm going to try to get some different types of volunteer work going. I've already put in an application for good old Vinnies, which will hopefully come through. I was trying to avoid being corny, but i really am doing it for the whole 'giving back to the community' thing. Another place I'd really love to do stuff with if possible is some child care place. I just did my storytelling today and little kids are the best things ever. They're just so pure and tell it as it is. Such brilliant little darlings. But I'm really not sure if i'll be able to get in, being under 18 and what not, and not having any kind of first aid training. Though even if i can start the steps to getting there it can't hurt, its all working towards something I want to do which makes it worth it.

I'm going to start reading a bit more. There are so many books I'd love to read, and ones people tell me I should but i never seem to have the time to sit down and read them. Some people are cool with things like that, but I really do love having a good read and i miss it a lot of the time. I reckon if I'm a lot more conscious about wanting to read, i'll be able to think of times to read, and then when i get into a bit of a groove it'll all be sweet. The only thing yet to work out is my reading list. I swear, I will not cave to the 'summer reading list' thing of making yourself read books over the holidays. I am only reading because i love it. I'll just take it as it comes, and read whats good.

I will ace my Defence interview. A pretty big day, but i think i'll be fine. I know all the stuff I have to do to prepare for it, so its just a matter of studying up and knowing why i'm doing it. Don't really have that much say to say on this one. All that there really is to say is that its gonna be a good bit of work, but I know i can get there.

I want to have more experiences in life. I've already a skydiving thing booked as a Christmas present (OMG WOO!) but I'd really love to get out, do some worldly things for lack of a better phrase. A road trip would be brilliant, but i'm not going to hold my hopes too high for that one haha. A day trip though, is highly possible. Even just hanging with my friends and having some crazy fun would be awesome.

I would really love to do some flying in the holidays, because i mean that just brings it all together for me. Some lessons would be the most fantastic thing ever. Yeah haha.

The last, but I think very important point is that I also want a day or two here and there where i can just sit around and do nothing. Enjoying things just as they are in all their beauty. Having a good old think while lying on the lovely green grass, what could be better?

So there we go. Not my most poetic of posts but it does feel good to get it out there. So from looking back over it, I've set myself up a pretty packed holidays, but if all goes to plan, it'll be so worth it. Cheers to who ever actually bothered to read the whole thing lol

Creep

Slowly, surely, this is killing me. The constant ins and outs, the endless stream of unconscious thought. What will be my next unachievable goal? I work towards a future I potentially have no stake in and is yet to be confirmed to even exist. The grind of every day slowly asphyxiating me until my eyes fade to black, the world narrowing until all i see is the end. Every night I fall, beaten and broken putting my dark thoughts to sleep. And every morning I rise yet again, as if compelled by some unseen force to continue, but to what end? Another week? Another month? Another year? Can I really last that long? I am thrashed to within an inch of my breaking point, but it is not the work that pushes me to the edge, it is the seemingly endless path I have found myself on. And even in the height of my achievement, I am still racked with shame. The shame of wondering if I will ever achieve my full potential, if I ever will reach the point beyond which i can do nothing more. Whether I will ever reach my goals or not only time will tell, but one thing is for certain, I am being worn down. Like the mighty rock that falls under the persistent lapping of the sea wave I am being stripped of my insides. Falling away one by one, the little pieces are lost and soon forgotten. Who even remembers if they existed in the first place? Past ages remembered in a kinder light. A sickness arcs throughout my body, burning the flesh and tormenting the mind. How much longer will this madness last?

I am so tired.

So very tired.

Talent surrounds me, and I am astounded by the capabilities of my peers. Will I ever reach to their heights? Like a child crying out in the night for his mother I stand helpless in the face of the storm. All I ever did was try. I sit in a room I have no connection with, so soon will people betray loyalties to fulfill their own desires. Grotesques stalk this hall and taint its beauty. The actions of one corrupting those of a million. I don't belong here.