On the Brink

I am standing on the brink. You never seem to notice the things that I do, only the things I don't. I try my best, but I'm sorry, I'm not you. At times I almost want to fail just to see the look on your face. I'm not a delinquent, I do the best I can. So my rooms a little messy, so i need to do a few jobs. So what. When it comes down to it I do all I can for you. Sure I forget a few things here and there but i'm sorry, thats just what I'm like. I'm a teenager, get used to it. You think you're under appreciated? How do you think I feel working my ass of for the slightest bit of respect. And then you give me nothing. You expect the best and give me nothing to work with. You make me want to leave and never come back. You make me want to cry hot tears into the night. I know you care, but would it kill you to show it once in a while? All I want is something, anything. A pat on the back. A well done. Would that be so hard? I know I'm not perfect, and you're just going to have to deal with that. Even when I've achieved everything I've ever wanted I'll still be doing something wrong. I want to be free, but you have me with a ball and chain. Sometimes I almost think I hate you.

My poison

We work so hard. So many people, striving for goals they know nothing about. All of us moving towards our dreams, having no idea what they really entail. Hope seems intrinsically linked with whatever fate we may hold.

Everyday, my future becomes a little darker. Grim possibilities gradually present themselves, but there is nothing that hold me down from reaching the end of this blackened tunnel. I know i will reach the end, but the cost grows every day. Without doubt, by the end of this ordeal, a little part of me will have died. This is a given. If I can control which part of me this is I am yet to find out.

The air grows noxious as i consider the outcomes. Even if I am distanced from my poison, it still takes hold. Admittedly the thought makes me feel ill to my stomach, though it is a necessity. It is not the concept that plagues me, but the application. Bombs fall in the night, and no body even notices the difference. Whats a few men among millions. A subtle loss, invisible to the naked eye. But with the curse of the gift of sight, these tragedies present themselves ten fold. No matter how far you run you can't keep the memories out.

As the tunnel blackens day by day, I see things for what they really are. Masks are meaningless when tomorrow could mean the end. I sit here, with endless thoughts filling my mind, and I think of what is to come. And what i am to become.

A monster sits alone in the night, unseen by the world.

Futures

We are told that a mans future is like a single thread of string, though ours seem so complexly intertwined. So many back and forths, and i always wonder, was this meant to be? I am tired of getting caught in so many webs. All i want is to know what we are to become. I sit patiently at your feet, and you look down on me. The look in your eyes hold the answers, but i don't want to see. For the thousandth time, i feel the fool. What must you think of me? It turns out I am afraid. It is the hardest thing to admit but it is true. For how much longer will i be lost in the endless tangle? Our paths could clear, and all my efforts be for naught. With all my heart right now, I just want to hold you. I want to brush your hair, and give you my jacket in the cold. But as much as my heart can romanticize, my mind stays cold and relentless. You may be all I want right now, but as always seems to be the case, I cannot have you. Everyday my mind bombards me with questions and prompts. As you are not mine I must pursue other leads, but I refuse. When its comes down to it, I feel nothing for them. Perhaps this is the path i must take anyway, but for now I'll choose to wait. I prefer my dreams of you. One day maybe, but for now our futures don't seem to be ours to decide.

There is something inexplicable about you. It gives me such a feeling, and I am afraid where this will take me. You make me smile, you make me laugh. Few seem to be able to really bring up a sense of joy in me these days, but you do. I view myself from the outside world. I can only imagine I seem strange and brash, but what I say is true. This is quite a time of change within myself, and i have a lot to consider. Though no matter how much is on my mind, you are still up there.

I guess when it boils down to it, and all my metaphors are done with, I am afraid. And it is this fear that binds me, and keeps me from decision. I'll probably never know whether you even see me in the same light, but i had to get that off my chest. So many things seem complicated these days.

A list of sorts

If all goes to plan, after college i'll soon be joining the airforce. Once in, there'll be all kinds of crazy shenanigans happening and i'll be pretty damn happy. But before that, i figured I'd make a list of things that i'd like/need to do. That said, this is really more of a note to myself to look back on at some point and to see how i'm doing.

So lets see. Here it is:

• Go skydiving
• Fly solo
• Get an ATAR of 90 or higher
• Get fit and toned
• Go on a road trip (at least once, maybe more if the car is still alive)
• Go to Melbourne (I've never been and i hear its quite good)
• Be able to fit all my possessions into a suit case (except for books)
• Do the P-off course
• Do a defensive driving course
• Keep up with all my friends and see them more often
• Get accepted to ADFA (kind of a given haha)

So now its done, i must say, it does look rather pathetic. But never the less i'm sure there's things on there i won't even get round to anyway. All said and done, i better get working.

My murderous insides

What do you do when all you know has been turned on its head?

To turn and run is weak.

No matter how hard i try, no matter how long its been, hate still wells within me. Greater than ever it bubbles up, oozing out of my murderous insides. Thirsting for vengeance my eyes turn red. I never thought that i would be able to hate you but here we are. All my life I thought i was building towards this moment, but now, without even a gasp it is gone. And all i am left with is my bitter hate. You stand for things that are meaningless to you, do you even know why you do it anymore? I'll admit, you fought it for a while, but like every single thing you do, you gave up. Who needs a fulfilling life anyway you say. I'm comfortable here. It's not what i always wanted but it's enough.

You disgust me now.

Black froths on your lips and i can see the lies in your eyes. A forked tongue i wish i could chop off. I know why you did it. But i'll never know how you could throw your life short. For a time you were great, but now your days have passed and you are nothing but a pathetic memory clinging to the halls of fame.

I know i'm wrong. I know what i feel is awful, and I know you don't even care how filled with hate I am. Forever is a long time, but i can say now my friend. We are done.

Visions

Cities fall like icy cliffs, smashing into the water below. A man cries his name to the wind, but there is no one to hear it. Where will you be the end is truly insight?

There is one who lies dormant, deep within the land. Slowly dawning from his age long slumber he stirs, restless in the night. Mountains move, the earth is changing. With every waking hour we rot away, our souls blowing in the winters breeze. I wait for you in the blistering cold, but you say you prefer to stay inside.

My darling, why must you do this to yourself?

I see your silhouette in the window, your perfect profile lighting up the night. But it isn't really you. Merely just an image lost in time. If you ever return I will still be here, waiting at your door.

Lurid dreams become apparent and slowly, ever so slowly, you start to realize what is really happening. A knock at the door, a howl at the moon, a flash of darkness in the night. I dare to dream of you, that once again you may become real. But deep in my heart i know this will never happen. You are gone. I don't even know if you ever existed in the first place.

A wiry hand reaches from a dark cloak and grips your arm. You fight it at first, but as always you learn to submit.

Cities in rubble, fire burning unseen throughout the lands.

Visions of horror sweep my mind.

How do you not see this?

But then again, you never did.

For Jess

So you asked for a blog and here it is. I don't really know if its what you would have expected but here goes.

Dear Jessica, there are so many things about you I admire. Things I couldn't even hope to touch. You truly sing to the heavens and it astounds me. You have a most grand sense of style that i can't even being to grasp. I've known you for a while now, and you have earned my trust through years of friendship. Whenever I've wanted to have a good gossip you're always there, or if its just time for an old d&m your online in a second. It really sucks that we don't get to see each other much anymore, but the time we do spend together i truly cherish. You make me laugh alot, and i honestly can't help smiling whenever we hang out. I feel like such a fool. I've never really been sure what to do at times with us, but the friendship that has been forged is nothing to lightly brush away. I hold it extremely close to my heart.

Like all my brothers, I will always stand by you for better or worse and will hold to you without fail till the finish.

If anyone ever asked me how or when we met I probably could never tell them. Its funny how people who end up being your closest friends are never really those you instantly click with. But enough of my convoluted musings. The point is jess, that i can tell you anything and no matter how much i type i can never express how happy i am that we are friends.

Thankyou for all you've done