harder better faster stronger

Sometimes everything's just really hard. It's so hard to get that perfect balance going in life. I need to put in some more work into school to be able to get the grades I need, but that means I have to sacrifice a lot of other stuff as well. Next week I have three in class essays, twelve hours of writing. Two weeks after that I have three oral presentations, forty-five to sixty minutes of talking. Then three weeks after that I have three exams. Seems three's my lucky number this term. I'm pretty nervous at the moment, but I usually manage to pull through. I feel bad about all my friends. I never see you guys anymore. Don't ever think that if we don't hang out its because I've forgotten you, or that I hate you, or any of that business. It's just me trying to work things out and get my balance right. It's not like its going to get any better next year either though, which always gets me a little down. But it just makes me value all the time I get with you all the more. There is so much I would never have been able to do without you. Honestly, I need you, and I love you guys, really, I do. Getting fit and keeping fit is a constant challenge. Some nights I feel I just don't have the energy to go the gym for the day or maybe I've just got that much stuff to do I don't really have the time. So much to do and so little time to do it. I do enjoy running in the mornings, though on days like today running in -7 degrees isn't the nicest thing. There are moments where I feel like its all too much. It all builds up, and I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. At those times, I want nothing more than to turn and walk away. Just walk. And walk. And walk. Until my problems are far from sight. Those moments make me question who I am, why I am, and the rights that I believe I possess in this vastly, vastly empty universe of ours. But then I think. I try to remember what I'm doing this for, and it all floods back in. And though it may seem foolish or shallow or impossible to relate to, there is nothing on this world like being up in the air, by myself and free. To literally touch the sky. I feel more at home that in any other place on Earth. And that spark, that eternal flame of hope is what burns on through the darkest and coldest nights. It is what drives me to change that which others have determined impossible of change, to believe in the promise of youth, and it is what helps me in those darkest moments to believe in myself. And every now and then I'm lucky enough to catch but a glimpse of my dreams embodying reality. I'm slowly stripping back my possessions until they all fit in my suitcase. My glorious, glorious suitcase. But thats beside the point. I see images, and read stories every day that bring me to within an inch of loosing my faith. But still it remains, for I could not live without it. Though my faults are many I have been gifted with purpose, and conviction. And that is enough. I just had to get some of that stuff out, it's been brewing around for a while.