Ch-ch-changes

It has been a while since I posted on this blog, and a lot has changed, for me at least. Life is different now, I dearly miss so many of those who are close to me and I cherish every piece of time I get to myself. It is my time to think, my time to reflect, my time to relive memories past and my time to dream of what is to come in the future. My time to simply be in the present with no purpose or obligation. Outside these times I am a different man. I obey laws, rules and regulations. I am prompt and on time to any and all appointments. I throw on my smile and throw my chin up high in pride for both myself, my chosen career path, and my country. Outside of my cave, I am just another suit, another carbon copied face. We all have this view of ourselves. We have parts we will not let the world see, we have parts me must display if we want a desired result, and we most certainly all hold dear to that little part that no one knows about, where no body can hurt us or touch us. But when do the lines begin to blur? And in asking yourself that question, the likelihood is that they already have. As I sit now at my computer screen admiring the beauty of the sunshine through my window I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and notice my furrowed brow and despondent eyes. This is the mask I wear. After all, it is only a mask, right? The past few months have led me to a few curious insights and what I now hold as universal truths. The first, human beings are forever capable of adaptation and change, emotionally, mentally, physically and socially to suit and withstand any environment or situation. The second, is that our present and future contextualize the past. Not the other way around. I have obviously been thinking about far more than just these two relatively simple thoughts, but they are by far the more important. I often think about the decisions I have made throughout life, and where they led me. The person that they shaped me to be. There is little I would change about my past. Some days I wake and feel as if I am walking across the surface of Mars. As if I live on dead planet, light years from home. But I know that's not true. Do not be afraid to question yourself, to not be afraid to change. Do not fear the future, for it is all we have ever known.

Ugly people

I look around and I see ugly faces staring back at me. They make me sick to the stomach.
Faces that lie.

Faces that cheat.

Faces that steal.

Faces that spout hurtful remarks.

Faces that never stop to think.

We are all of us, ugly people. We have grown content with our dissatisfaction, sitting aimlessly in the filth that has accumulated over the years. We strive to be beautiful. We strive to appear seamless and in control. But we are all rotting on the inside. Our black hearts hiding themselves in any way they can. None of us are pure, non of us are enlightened. We shy away from the truth, either lacking in understanding or refusing to accept the reality that surrounds us. I try, God knows I try to find a solution to the eternal corruption I witness day to day, but there is none. Perhaps I should simply give in to my desires, and live without the burden of humanity on my shoulders. There are so many mistakes I have made I cannot even begin to list them. I am the ugliest person of all. I don't belong here.

I don't belong here.

Sick

I am a sick being. Living in a sick world. A grotesque world. We are nothing but children in the eyes of God. How will you be judged? We fight and hate and scheme oblivious to our own rot. Our own false sense of pride and dignity. Our subjective and flawed moralities. Sitting idly in the filth of our own creation we watch the world pass us by. Some will notice and despair, but even then they will do nothing. Our lives are but tear drops in the ocean. Our minds nothing but the product of our desires.

I am numb.

Removed.

A stranger in a strange land. And I have been corrupted by the toxic world that surrounds me. Do not be angry. Do not weep. Simply accept it. You are sick too.

A few feelings

I want to start today by saying how sorry I am for how I've been to you. God knows I could have been a better friend. We've shared times that I cherish, but there are not nearly as many memories I would like. I've been mean. And I've been condescending. I didn't give you the respect you deserved because of that evil little part of me who always wanted to be better than you. But he's gone now. Though it probably doesn't seem like much to you, or anyone else, our friendship does mean a lot to me. I've been doing some thinking lately, and I seem to have achieved a far more balanced state within myself. I think it's helping. It's helping me write this anyway. So now, as we begin to move on, and our paths begin to stray I begin to wonder what will come of us. It took me almost all of our two years together to truly decipher who I am, and now, as it all draws to a close, I don't really want any of it to change. I like to think that we will stay friends. That maybe we can chill a few times a year, me visiting you and you visiting me from time to time. But who knows really? I wouldn't ever want to make you promise. And I wouldn't want you to make me. So along side my apology, all that is left to say is thank you. Thank you for being there when I needed to talk. Thank you for letting me in, and letting me help you from time to time. Thank you for all the little ways you have impacted me and the world around us. With all honesty, I do hope we stay close in the years to come. Have a good life lld. I know you'll make it shine.

One

We are all born for greatness. This is a sentiment that I have often been taught as a universal truth, that everyone is capable of leading some kind of amazing life. But is this really the truth? Only a gifted few within each generations are truly born with the means to accomplish their life's ambition to a grand conclusion. The rest of us simply work with what we have. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to do something big. Something great, something world changing. When I was young whilst other children chased their high school sweet hearts I struggled to understand what these ideals were that were forming in my head. I saw the world through my innocent eyes and I saw that it was filled with such unseen beauty. I wondered what was wrong with man, that he may live happily in the full knowledge that by his every action he desecrates that planet which he calls his home. I had such powerful dreams, such visions for the future, but like many dreams of youth they began to fade. I allowed my ideals to laps, corrupted by rampant materialism and greed my beliefs became poisoned and deformed. I was discovering my humanity. My toxic capacity to ignore the truths around me and fool myself into living a simpler and less worrisome life. I found that like everyone else, I too could become bogged down in the monotony of life. Beliefs became complicated. I've done things I would never would have wanted to do. I've run away from problems I've had. I've denied who I am to myself in order to be who I thought I should be. But now, once again I can see clearly, and I know what I must do to return to my path. Like my mind and body my ideals have also matured. Some believe me to be ignorant, my eyes shrouded to the true ways of the world and perhaps that is the case. Yet despite these aspersions I continue to define myself more and more by what I believe I am capable of achieving. I forever dream of the future that is yet to come. For that elusive light that still escapes my grasp. I do not think greatness is a quality bestowed upon all men. I believe all men hold the potential to be great. This does not mean you must be born a genius. Greatness does not require a tertiary education. Our greatness extends from our actions, our compassion, our acceptance of our own vulnerability. And I accept fully that I am not a perfect person. Like everyone, I will always have times that I shall fail. But it is the constant strive to better one's self in the face of failure that makes one great. It is the ability to act with courage and strength in the face of fear. And this, all people are capable of. All but the unnatural. After years of searching, I am finally one with myself. And I have never felt better.

Utopia

For as long as we have been able to grasp the concept of perfection, we have sought a perfect world. A world without war, hunger or the downfalls of man. We dream of a utopia, and as such we endlessly strive for perfection. This endeavour can easily come to consume our lives if we let it, as we try to attain the perfect body, the perfect partner, the perfect relationship, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect life. Our eyes focussed wholly on the perfection that awaits us at our destination. Yet we never reach it, for you see, perfection is subjective, not qualitative. There is no one idea of perfection shared by humanity. And thus as a whole there is no way we can ever build a perfect society. We will always find errors and faults the actions of others, and there will always be faults in our actions too. Truly the deeper meaning that we seek embedded within this search for perfection lies within our imperfections. Paradoxically we seek to find ways to rid ourselves of these minuscule blemishes when in fact it is them who make us who we really are. Surely then it can be seen that our key to greatness lies not in the ridding of our imperfections but in our accepting of them. In ourselves and others. We must Acknowledge other's downfalls and love them despite their faults, not try to change them into someone who they simple are not. We must accept ourselves for who we are and not try to change to fit a fake image that advertising presents to us. Only then will we reach our utopia. A world devoid of perfection but populated with understanding and compassion. A world where hate does not breed hate but where instead those who hate are surrounded by those who care and are willing to be the first to extend the hand of peace. A world where one's first reaction is not to hurt but to question why you feel the need to hurt those around you. As soon as we acknowledge our imperfections we can begin to learn to live with them. As soon as we acknowledge other's imperfections we can begin to understand why the act the way they do. We must be willing to accept the reality around us without fear of judgement or retaliation, for it is only then that we can begin to examine who we are, and not who we want to be, or are told to be. But who we truly are. So make a difference today. Tell someone close that you accept them for who they are, imperfections and all, no matter how much they may enrage you sometimes. Remember they have to deal with your imperfections too. Most importantly, accept yourself for who you truly are, and don't be afraid to broadcast that person to the world. And never be afraid when something goes wrong. If you've been hurt. If you've hurt someone. It proves only that you are human.

Changes

So today was a good day, for many reasons. I realised that I haven't been being true to myself lately. Instead of acting like who I am, I've been acting like who I think I should be. This was causing me some trouble. I had begun pursuing things that I did not need, or even at times did not want, simply because I felt that I should in order to maintain my image. Since when has that ever mattered to me? Image? These feelings and anxieties had been brewing for a while and really needed to be worked out. So I decided it was time to tackle this, and I took the day off. I didn't do any of the work I should have, but for the first time in a long time, I really got back in touch with who I am, and what I want out of life. I took a good long walk, listened to some of my favourite tunes, and just sat out in the sun, soaking up the beauty of the day. It was glorious. Once again I felt whole, with not only a purpose but a means to attaining it. I spent a lot of time with my family which brought back beloved memories of childhood, as well as reminding me that they're always there no matter the situation. It's easy to forget that at the best of times, and considering I've been off doing my own thing a lot the last month or so I really did need a good reminder. I think the best thing today however was that as well as having a big think about purpose and meaning and all that jazz, I also had a good think about relationships. Now for a while, I've wanted a relationship, not with anyone in particular, I just thought it would be nice. There were a few people I had been thinking about, but none of them I really particularly liked, however I kept chasing. In the end though it just didn't feel right. It just wasn't me. When the time comes, it'll come, but until then I am perfectly happy with my love life at the moment. I really am. So overall, it was a great weekend. A little sleep deficit but I got to see a lot of my mates, hit the clubs, spend time with the family, and work a whole heap of stuff out. I must say I really do enjoy a good cathartic blog post. Now I think it is time for sleep. It's going to be a big week, I just know it. Sweet dreams lovelies.

Stolen words

It's been a long time since my last post, and a lot has been going on. I have a lot to think about right now, and no doubt that shows in the post. It's not like me, but it has to be said. It really has to be said. I am nothing but stolen words. Ideals and values procured from the facets of history, and the pages of the novels that I devour. My dreams of grandeur nothing more than romanticised expectations of what is to come. I have no real purpose. My dreams are simply suggestions that have ingrained in my small mind over the years. Stolen words. A copy, of a copy, of a copy. I wake, I eat, I work, I sleep. That is all. I feel I have lived this life a million times. That everyday is the same, and every day I feel slightly more unsettled by the drab predictability of the world that surrounds me. War. Hunger. Poverty. The monotony will never end. Stolen words. Deja vu all over again. We dreamt of being kings. We dreamt of glory, of honour and of love. But day by day we grow older, and day by day memories of boyhood dwindle, carried off by the wind. I say my life is what I make of it. I say I make my own luck. All of them, stolen words. What I would give to live free of the ever constricting grip that tightens like an anaconda around my me. I envy you brothers and sisters. Sometimes I truly do. The world is changing. Morphing into a hideous being beyond recognition. And I weep for it. I weep for us all. If only we were more than stolen words. I have failed myself. I have become all of which I once sought to destroy and despoil. My life has changed, and there is no way to return to what once was. There never is. I've hurt some people overtime, and I'm sorry. You've brought me close to the brink, but don't ever think that I'm going to give up.

I went to sleep and I woke up dead,
But I changed my mind and I want to live.

Balance

It's taken me a while to start writing tonight. I was going to write about how hard it is to write, but thats been done more times than I've had hot dinners. I was going to write about soap, but it really isn't that interesting. Sometimes it's nicer just to sit and think for a while. I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately, and though it is needed to ensure that I get everything done before deadlines it is taking a bit of a toll. So maybe I need to take a bit of pressure off. I'm felt like that with a lot of things lately. It's always hard to find the right balance. Am I exercising enough or not enough? Am I putting in the right amount of school work? Do I give as much love to those around me as they deserve? It's been really chewing up a lot of brain space. I guess I'm just going to have to keep slogging away with everything and work where work is needed, that's worked in the past anyway, but it would still be nice to know every once in a while whether I'm doing something right you know? I haven't done any work all afternoon and I don't know whether this is what I need right now, or whether I'm just being lazy. Maybe I'll just immerse myself in a book. That usually warms up the coals. At the end of the day you have to be able to live with the choices that you make, but who's to say they were the right ones? I've been taking up a lot of head space thinking lately. But that's not for here. Apologies for the poor quality tonight, I'm just a little worn out. Have a nice night lovelies.

Snap shots

So I've been blogging every night lately, and it's actually been really nice. Too often whenever I think about blogging it seems like a chore, but lately it seems like just what I've been needing. There's nothing better after a long, confusing and at times heartbreaking day than to sit down and poor out all my thoughts onto the screen, and send them away into the ether. Don't let that make you think I don't have good days. I often do. I've been writing a lot of essays and presentations this week and I think that's what set off this new trend. How ever it started, i am liking it. When I write, and this isn't just blogging, I feel freed. I have my own little world in front of me to mold and shape as I see fit. You have the power to breathe life into your creations and watch them grow and mature. When I write I can be who ever I want to be. I'm no longer constrained to the person I have become. I can witness sights that I have never before seen, and I can learn the truth. Little by little, I learn the true nature of things. When I read its just the same. For just such a short, short time I can get a glimpse into the life of another. For an instant we are bound by and unbreakable bond, our beings interwoven and the difference between us no longer recognizable. Such brilliance. Never underestimate the power of words. No graphic depiction can portray Gatsby's hopeless dream, Huck's moral conflict, Stanley's desire, Ralph's desperate struggle to fight the innate evil that haunts mans every step or Tyler's vision. No action can capture the rage, depression and delirious joy that I feel as I walk through this life. Only the beauty of language. Like a flower after the springtime rain it holds a paradoxically indescribable beauty. Droplets of water shimmering in the early morning light as a velvet warmth covers the landscape. Colours so exquisite all else pales in comparison. That is what my books give to me. I stand but on the tip of an iceberg and the edge of a great ravine. I have not even began to walk the path, yet still, they give me hope, and they give me strength.

a little spark

So today I failed at maths. Really badly. And it would be all too easy to have a long rant and depress everyone with my thoughts of failure, but that wouldn't be treating this blog with the tenderness it deserves, so let's try and make something out of it. I'm writing an essay on 'A streetcar named desire' in English at the moment, and I must say I'm feeling a little like Blanche, her constant fight between fantasy and reality, the conflict between her high ideals and brutal desire. In a harsh and unforgiving world should we do nothing more than act like animals, or fight against the tide and risk loosing everything we have? I've always liked to think that I was a fighter, but maybe I'm just as close to my instincts as everyone else. I am guilty of all the deadly sins, just like all those I see around me everyday. Is it not enough to want to be better? I need strength right now, but its always so hard to know whether your belief in your self will be enough. It's nights like these that I can never sleep, and I just lay on my bed staring out my window into the night sky. The stars hold such old beauty. Even the lone streetlight barely illuminating the footpath with its incandescent glow gains a kind of garish charm in the dark. There is silence all around save from the occasional dog parking or car driving by. I often wonder how many others are doing the same as me in that moment, and I never feel alone. Countless brothers and sisters, not even aware of each others existence. Then, slowly, a little spark of hope creeps into my veins. It's not much, but its enough. Enough to keep me going for another night. I may be delusional, but who's to say I can't dream? I may never fully master my emotions, but then who does? You always have to try right? That's what I believe anyway. It may seem impossible. The significance of your actions may be so minuscule that you needn't have tried in the first place. But you'll never know until you take the first step. In this dark march towards whatever it is we're approaching.... Don't - Don't hang back with the brutes.

The Symphony of the Rain

Don't you just love those rainy afternoons, where you could just sit for hours watching the rain fall? It's like being on a different planet, totally isolated from all the stresses, evils and horrors of the world. Nothing but you and the rain. It seems like all too often these days we loose ourselves in matters of trivial importance: obsessing over marks, trying to reach peak physical condition, trying to find the perfect partner, and trying to lead the perfect life. But none of it matters really. There are very few things that we really need. I need to eat, drink and sleep. I need to keep warm. I need my friends and family. I need to fly. That's it. I don't need to get 100% on an essay. I don't really need to care what other people think about how I live my life. Why do we sit in distress when we are surrounded by such unparalleled beauty? Art, literature, science. The world sings to me. And I am filled with warmth, and hope. The hope that I will never forget the beauty that surrounds me. She sings to us, and I hear every note. Call me daft. Call me blind to the truth. The only one you are deceiving is yourself. Look down deep inside the very fabric of your being and ask yourself if you are really so sure about things. Really. For the meantime I'll just remain in my bubble, looking out onto the moonscape that surrounds me, listening to the symphony of the rain.

harder better faster stronger

Sometimes everything's just really hard. It's so hard to get that perfect balance going in life. I need to put in some more work into school to be able to get the grades I need, but that means I have to sacrifice a lot of other stuff as well. Next week I have three in class essays, twelve hours of writing. Two weeks after that I have three oral presentations, forty-five to sixty minutes of talking. Then three weeks after that I have three exams. Seems three's my lucky number this term. I'm pretty nervous at the moment, but I usually manage to pull through. I feel bad about all my friends. I never see you guys anymore. Don't ever think that if we don't hang out its because I've forgotten you, or that I hate you, or any of that business. It's just me trying to work things out and get my balance right. It's not like its going to get any better next year either though, which always gets me a little down. But it just makes me value all the time I get with you all the more. There is so much I would never have been able to do without you. Honestly, I need you, and I love you guys, really, I do. Getting fit and keeping fit is a constant challenge. Some nights I feel I just don't have the energy to go the gym for the day or maybe I've just got that much stuff to do I don't really have the time. So much to do and so little time to do it. I do enjoy running in the mornings, though on days like today running in -7 degrees isn't the nicest thing. There are moments where I feel like its all too much. It all builds up, and I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. At those times, I want nothing more than to turn and walk away. Just walk. And walk. And walk. Until my problems are far from sight. Those moments make me question who I am, why I am, and the rights that I believe I possess in this vastly, vastly empty universe of ours. But then I think. I try to remember what I'm doing this for, and it all floods back in. And though it may seem foolish or shallow or impossible to relate to, there is nothing on this world like being up in the air, by myself and free. To literally touch the sky. I feel more at home that in any other place on Earth. And that spark, that eternal flame of hope is what burns on through the darkest and coldest nights. It is what drives me to change that which others have determined impossible of change, to believe in the promise of youth, and it is what helps me in those darkest moments to believe in myself. And every now and then I'm lucky enough to catch but a glimpse of my dreams embodying reality. I'm slowly stripping back my possessions until they all fit in my suitcase. My glorious, glorious suitcase. But thats beside the point. I see images, and read stories every day that bring me to within an inch of loosing my faith. But still it remains, for I could not live without it. Though my faults are many I have been gifted with purpose, and conviction. And that is enough. I just had to get some of that stuff out, it's been brewing around for a while.

Obscenity

I feel like day by day, I'm losing a little part of me. There are so many endeavors I wish to pursue, so many dreams I want to live and fulfill, but in the end how many of them will actually happen? Slowly branches are pruned from my character, and it frightens me. My mother didn't raise me a killer. Is it so hard to chase my dreams whilst simultaneously appreciating art, literature and the simple beauty of our world? Seemingly it is so. I'm not even worthy of the life that I live. I am gifted with everything a boy could need to make a life for himself, but still I sit here in the dark of my room, typing into the deep chasm of the internet as my mind and muscles rot away. I am not nearly as clever as I used to be. I am not nearly as strong as I used to be. I am not nearly as fast as I used to be. I have become a slave to gluttony and sloth, lazing comfortably as ideals blow away on the breeze. What ever happened to the boy who wanted to save people and make the world a better place? People seem to hold the opinion that by disregarding these sentiments I have matured by I fear I have simply become lax in my duties. I'm sick of this repugnant and obscene way of life. There are times I long for a simpler life. To not feel the burden of hope but to simply be happy to settle with a lovely woman and lead an uneventful but happy life. But it will always be there. The voice in my head, knowing that I will have never extended my reach far enough. That I will never have achieved my potential. The voice that knows of the monster within. I am nothing more than deformed and deluded. I have become that which I swore to always fight. My feet are bound with shackles, my hands cuffed before me. I am led slowly, yet surely, to the gallows. I taught the hangman how to tie the noose, he cannot look me in the eye as he puts the coarse rope around my neck. Time slows as I fall through the air, my waisted youth flashing before my eyes. Then, black eternal. I wish for nothing more than answers. Though those I seek I know I shall not find. All I see is how bloated and corrupted I have become. I used to be a boy of many talents. Now I have few. I never did things like the other kids did, and I hate myself for it. Time is marching forever forward, and I grow older day by day. I must find sanctuary from this torment, or surely it will be the end of me.

Step up to the plate

Assessments finished and my mind is clear. Time hit this, and hit it hard. Nothings going to stand in my way. You try to hold me back and I will unleash hell on your candy ass. Let's do it.

:3

I see you walking with a beautiful grace a world conquering smile upon your face. It isn't love, but every time I kind of wish it was.

Captivity

Do you ever feel like you're out of place? Like you should be somewhere far away from all the evil in the world. Do you ever feel like you don't belong among the thieves and liars? That somewhere, there is someone who will understand you, a place to which you truly belong. Or do you think it's just the inability to cope with a harsh reality? Your fragile mind rejecting the fact that for every massacre we hear of, hundreds more go unheard. Sometimes I feel so sad. I want nothing more than to cry and cry, but the tears won't come out. I feel alien and emotionless, looking through the glass into a whole other world. People are crying over the endless the tragedies to the meaningless details, and I simply stand and stare. My hands pressed against the cold glass I long for a connection, to feel what they feel, to bear myself so rawly as they cry to the heavens. But still I am void. Broken and useless, I can do nothing but gaze in and dream of a life I never led. I've tried time and time again to break through the glass, but I am too weak.

I've always been too weak.

Endless messages and sentiments from my childhood pour into my mind. Glorious memories of the past tarnished by time. The innocent belief that one can truly understand another. That people without rule or restraint can still be kind. So on and so forth. A little part of me clings so desperately to these ancient feelings. Like photos faded by time they hold an indescribable power to look deep into your heart. I feel so wrong and backward. Most eighteen year old boys are out drinking, having sex, feeling invincible. I, honestly, do not see the attraction. I enjoy spending time with my friends, and potentially a drink may make things a bit more fun every now and then, but drinking for the sake of drinking is nothing short of a desperate escape. And as for sex, I simply do not see the appeal. Say what you will. I just want a brighter future. Something so that when I look back through time I can smile, and say 'yeah, I was a part of that'. I've tried a few times, but as always, I'm too weak.

I'll always be too weak.

I wish I was ignorant. I wish I could wake up everyday and be satisfied with the mundane. Not have to put on a mask in order to keep people happy. Not have to be aware of how utterly fucked the world is. Not have to feel the constant pressure of expectation. Simply to be satisfied with my potential and make nothing of it. In my dreams I am a super hero. I can make a difference. I can have it all. But of course, it is only a dream. It's no wonder that I'm not your preference. I know the truth. I'm not as stupid as I wish I was. But you know I still need you. Perhaps I was simply made not to feel. Born into captivity.

Maybe one day I'll be stronger.

The green light

So despite being sick, and being surrounded by the mess I've turned my room into, I'm starting to feel pretty good again. There have been a few things that have been causing me a bit of grief lately, but things are starting to seem a little bit clearer. I feeling a lot more of a need to blog honestly, as this is what I have this thing for. To get my thoughts out there and make sense of them. So there'll probably be a bit less cryptic nonsense. If anyone gets offended by various things, sorry but it's how I feel. Few people read it anyway.

First of all, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to achieve highly at school. Every piece of work has to be my best work and needless to say this has been causing a decent bit of stress. I think that if I really REALLY try hard, I could potentially top a good number of my classes, and if I don't I always feel as if I'm wasting my potential. I've always been a bit over achieving in this regard. However, now I'm happy to have a bit of a chill. I'm still aiming high, but lets face it, I'm never going to get to the top if all I do is worry about it and let it eat away at me. I can put the effort it, and if I don't like what I get I just do better next time. No more stressing, I'm moving forward.

Another factor thats been getting to me a little is relationships. My god, I always make such a big deal out of these things. For those of you that don't know, I've essentially been set up with Toria's friend Gabie a few times, and I kind of like her. Not entirely sure, but that's where the road is headed. She's pretty, nice and we have a decent amount in common. Not possessing the supremely high emotional intelligence I would like however, I find it hard to gauge how she feels about me. I'm getting a few vibes, but yeah, I find it difficult to know what to do next, and in typical David fashion, I obsess about it. There's that perfectionist streak again. Question's frequently bounce around in my head such as: when do I text her next? When should I ask her out? Am I able to actually keep something like this rolling? When am I able to do stuff during the week? What could I cut back to make time for this? I get way to serious. I don't even know the girl properly yet. Ye gods. I'm trying to take a bit of a different approach however, to optimize my wellbeing, and it seems to be working. More on that as it unfolds I guess.

I've also been thinking a lot about my relationships with my friends as well, not just the romantic side of things, and I've come to a few realizations. Joel exempt, I don't really have anyone who understands me wholly. Many whom I'm able to talk to about about the philosophical side of life I'm unable to talk to about my career aspirations and future plans, and visa versa. This makes things a little hard sometimes when trying to convey ideas that involve both ends of the spectrum. An example of this was the other day. I was involved with hannah's (and gen's/jess's? i don't know) media assignment, and it was all well and good. The only thing I'd really wanted to that day was go to skyfire at 6, to see the Hornet do a fly over. That was the only thing. Inevitably, it didn't happen. I'm not that cut about it, but it was more the 'meh' attitude of everyone that got to me. As Nathan said 'it's just a plane'. To you it may just be a plane, but to me it's way more that that, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain that to you guys. This also led me to contemplate whether I will ever be able to appreciate your life's passion as much as you will. So yeah, doing a lot of thinking in that direction.

As always I'm still thinking about defence. My officer selection board is in the first week of the holidays, and time seems to be going faster and faster as the weeks clock over. I'm not worried though, I have a plan and I'm pretty sure it'll come off fine. Not much more to say about that.

And then, at the end of the day I'm left thinking that while I sit here and try to make sense out of every little thing that happens in my life, horrible things are still happening. Any good I try to equals nothing in the grand scheme of things.

But you never know what could happen. After all this tomfoolery, I guess it boils down to this.

I believe in the green light.

Drivel

Sometimes I wonder about the way i view the world and what I expect from it. I think a lot of the time I'm expecting way too much. Right now all I want to do is fly planes for the rest of my life. To be up in the sky, completely focused. The Zen master. Obviously, there are a few steps to get there and even if i do get there i'll still have to deal with a load of other stuff anyways. I mean i can't be in the air 100% of the time. It might just be all the stuff with school thats making this a hard choice as well, though school ends in months and by then I'll have bigger fish to fry. I still think school is getting in the way. 6 classes and src takes its toll and I have to expect the energy to come from somewhere. Especially if i want to stay fit. Right now I'd have to admit its not looking great, but I'd really love that to turn around. Though I'd probably have problems with my expectations again. The ones I need are gone. The ones I want are gone. I don't want to talk to whats left. I doubt they could understand no matter how hard they tried. Not that they're bad. Its just hard to explain sometimes you know? My brain and my body are telling me two different things at the moment, and I'm not entirely sure which one to trust. Honest to god I feel so dumb sometimes. So goddam dumb. I just can't seem to figure my shit out half the time. Get it together David. I think i'll just sit with how things are at the moment. Potentially for the best. Though by that reason potentially for the worst as well. Remain chipper. Don't make your move. You have nothing to rush right now. It gets damn boring sometimes though. Oh well. I'll live. I'll always live.

exploitations

What do you do when you are aware of every exploitation that has made you what you are? Every little pair of hands that made your clothes, every smog belching factory that gave you your plastics, every life that was lost for your indulgences. Countless lives wasted on a label. Species made extinct for your art deco house. Every joy we have is because of another's inconsolable sorrow. Deep down, I hate my festering core. I hate myself for everything that I am, and you should to.