Captivity

Do you ever feel like you're out of place? Like you should be somewhere far away from all the evil in the world. Do you ever feel like you don't belong among the thieves and liars? That somewhere, there is someone who will understand you, a place to which you truly belong. Or do you think it's just the inability to cope with a harsh reality? Your fragile mind rejecting the fact that for every massacre we hear of, hundreds more go unheard. Sometimes I feel so sad. I want nothing more than to cry and cry, but the tears won't come out. I feel alien and emotionless, looking through the glass into a whole other world. People are crying over the endless the tragedies to the meaningless details, and I simply stand and stare. My hands pressed against the cold glass I long for a connection, to feel what they feel, to bear myself so rawly as they cry to the heavens. But still I am void. Broken and useless, I can do nothing but gaze in and dream of a life I never led. I've tried time and time again to break through the glass, but I am too weak.

I've always been too weak.

Endless messages and sentiments from my childhood pour into my mind. Glorious memories of the past tarnished by time. The innocent belief that one can truly understand another. That people without rule or restraint can still be kind. So on and so forth. A little part of me clings so desperately to these ancient feelings. Like photos faded by time they hold an indescribable power to look deep into your heart. I feel so wrong and backward. Most eighteen year old boys are out drinking, having sex, feeling invincible. I, honestly, do not see the attraction. I enjoy spending time with my friends, and potentially a drink may make things a bit more fun every now and then, but drinking for the sake of drinking is nothing short of a desperate escape. And as for sex, I simply do not see the appeal. Say what you will. I just want a brighter future. Something so that when I look back through time I can smile, and say 'yeah, I was a part of that'. I've tried a few times, but as always, I'm too weak.

I'll always be too weak.

I wish I was ignorant. I wish I could wake up everyday and be satisfied with the mundane. Not have to put on a mask in order to keep people happy. Not have to be aware of how utterly fucked the world is. Not have to feel the constant pressure of expectation. Simply to be satisfied with my potential and make nothing of it. In my dreams I am a super hero. I can make a difference. I can have it all. But of course, it is only a dream. It's no wonder that I'm not your preference. I know the truth. I'm not as stupid as I wish I was. But you know I still need you. Perhaps I was simply made not to feel. Born into captivity.

Maybe one day I'll be stronger.