Ch-ch-changes

It has been a while since I posted on this blog, and a lot has changed, for me at least. Life is different now, I dearly miss so many of those who are close to me and I cherish every piece of time I get to myself. It is my time to think, my time to reflect, my time to relive memories past and my time to dream of what is to come in the future. My time to simply be in the present with no purpose or obligation. Outside these times I am a different man. I obey laws, rules and regulations. I am prompt and on time to any and all appointments. I throw on my smile and throw my chin up high in pride for both myself, my chosen career path, and my country. Outside of my cave, I am just another suit, another carbon copied face. We all have this view of ourselves. We have parts we will not let the world see, we have parts me must display if we want a desired result, and we most certainly all hold dear to that little part that no one knows about, where no body can hurt us or touch us. But when do the lines begin to blur? And in asking yourself that question, the likelihood is that they already have. As I sit now at my computer screen admiring the beauty of the sunshine through my window I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and notice my furrowed brow and despondent eyes. This is the mask I wear. After all, it is only a mask, right? The past few months have led me to a few curious insights and what I now hold as universal truths. The first, human beings are forever capable of adaptation and change, emotionally, mentally, physically and socially to suit and withstand any environment or situation. The second, is that our present and future contextualize the past. Not the other way around. I have obviously been thinking about far more than just these two relatively simple thoughts, but they are by far the more important. I often think about the decisions I have made throughout life, and where they led me. The person that they shaped me to be. There is little I would change about my past. Some days I wake and feel as if I am walking across the surface of Mars. As if I live on dead planet, light years from home. But I know that's not true. Do not be afraid to question yourself, to not be afraid to change. Do not fear the future, for it is all we have ever known.

Ugly people

I look around and I see ugly faces staring back at me. They make me sick to the stomach.
Faces that lie.

Faces that cheat.

Faces that steal.

Faces that spout hurtful remarks.

Faces that never stop to think.

We are all of us, ugly people. We have grown content with our dissatisfaction, sitting aimlessly in the filth that has accumulated over the years. We strive to be beautiful. We strive to appear seamless and in control. But we are all rotting on the inside. Our black hearts hiding themselves in any way they can. None of us are pure, non of us are enlightened. We shy away from the truth, either lacking in understanding or refusing to accept the reality that surrounds us. I try, God knows I try to find a solution to the eternal corruption I witness day to day, but there is none. Perhaps I should simply give in to my desires, and live without the burden of humanity on my shoulders. There are so many mistakes I have made I cannot even begin to list them. I am the ugliest person of all. I don't belong here.

I don't belong here.

Sick

I am a sick being. Living in a sick world. A grotesque world. We are nothing but children in the eyes of God. How will you be judged? We fight and hate and scheme oblivious to our own rot. Our own false sense of pride and dignity. Our subjective and flawed moralities. Sitting idly in the filth of our own creation we watch the world pass us by. Some will notice and despair, but even then they will do nothing. Our lives are but tear drops in the ocean. Our minds nothing but the product of our desires.

I am numb.

Removed.

A stranger in a strange land. And I have been corrupted by the toxic world that surrounds me. Do not be angry. Do not weep. Simply accept it. You are sick too.

A few feelings

I want to start today by saying how sorry I am for how I've been to you. God knows I could have been a better friend. We've shared times that I cherish, but there are not nearly as many memories I would like. I've been mean. And I've been condescending. I didn't give you the respect you deserved because of that evil little part of me who always wanted to be better than you. But he's gone now. Though it probably doesn't seem like much to you, or anyone else, our friendship does mean a lot to me. I've been doing some thinking lately, and I seem to have achieved a far more balanced state within myself. I think it's helping. It's helping me write this anyway. So now, as we begin to move on, and our paths begin to stray I begin to wonder what will come of us. It took me almost all of our two years together to truly decipher who I am, and now, as it all draws to a close, I don't really want any of it to change. I like to think that we will stay friends. That maybe we can chill a few times a year, me visiting you and you visiting me from time to time. But who knows really? I wouldn't ever want to make you promise. And I wouldn't want you to make me. So along side my apology, all that is left to say is thank you. Thank you for being there when I needed to talk. Thank you for letting me in, and letting me help you from time to time. Thank you for all the little ways you have impacted me and the world around us. With all honesty, I do hope we stay close in the years to come. Have a good life lld. I know you'll make it shine.

One

We are all born for greatness. This is a sentiment that I have often been taught as a universal truth, that everyone is capable of leading some kind of amazing life. But is this really the truth? Only a gifted few within each generations are truly born with the means to accomplish their life's ambition to a grand conclusion. The rest of us simply work with what we have. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to do something big. Something great, something world changing. When I was young whilst other children chased their high school sweet hearts I struggled to understand what these ideals were that were forming in my head. I saw the world through my innocent eyes and I saw that it was filled with such unseen beauty. I wondered what was wrong with man, that he may live happily in the full knowledge that by his every action he desecrates that planet which he calls his home. I had such powerful dreams, such visions for the future, but like many dreams of youth they began to fade. I allowed my ideals to laps, corrupted by rampant materialism and greed my beliefs became poisoned and deformed. I was discovering my humanity. My toxic capacity to ignore the truths around me and fool myself into living a simpler and less worrisome life. I found that like everyone else, I too could become bogged down in the monotony of life. Beliefs became complicated. I've done things I would never would have wanted to do. I've run away from problems I've had. I've denied who I am to myself in order to be who I thought I should be. But now, once again I can see clearly, and I know what I must do to return to my path. Like my mind and body my ideals have also matured. Some believe me to be ignorant, my eyes shrouded to the true ways of the world and perhaps that is the case. Yet despite these aspersions I continue to define myself more and more by what I believe I am capable of achieving. I forever dream of the future that is yet to come. For that elusive light that still escapes my grasp. I do not think greatness is a quality bestowed upon all men. I believe all men hold the potential to be great. This does not mean you must be born a genius. Greatness does not require a tertiary education. Our greatness extends from our actions, our compassion, our acceptance of our own vulnerability. And I accept fully that I am not a perfect person. Like everyone, I will always have times that I shall fail. But it is the constant strive to better one's self in the face of failure that makes one great. It is the ability to act with courage and strength in the face of fear. And this, all people are capable of. All but the unnatural. After years of searching, I am finally one with myself. And I have never felt better.

Utopia

For as long as we have been able to grasp the concept of perfection, we have sought a perfect world. A world without war, hunger or the downfalls of man. We dream of a utopia, and as such we endlessly strive for perfection. This endeavour can easily come to consume our lives if we let it, as we try to attain the perfect body, the perfect partner, the perfect relationship, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect life. Our eyes focussed wholly on the perfection that awaits us at our destination. Yet we never reach it, for you see, perfection is subjective, not qualitative. There is no one idea of perfection shared by humanity. And thus as a whole there is no way we can ever build a perfect society. We will always find errors and faults the actions of others, and there will always be faults in our actions too. Truly the deeper meaning that we seek embedded within this search for perfection lies within our imperfections. Paradoxically we seek to find ways to rid ourselves of these minuscule blemishes when in fact it is them who make us who we really are. Surely then it can be seen that our key to greatness lies not in the ridding of our imperfections but in our accepting of them. In ourselves and others. We must Acknowledge other's downfalls and love them despite their faults, not try to change them into someone who they simple are not. We must accept ourselves for who we are and not try to change to fit a fake image that advertising presents to us. Only then will we reach our utopia. A world devoid of perfection but populated with understanding and compassion. A world where hate does not breed hate but where instead those who hate are surrounded by those who care and are willing to be the first to extend the hand of peace. A world where one's first reaction is not to hurt but to question why you feel the need to hurt those around you. As soon as we acknowledge our imperfections we can begin to learn to live with them. As soon as we acknowledge other's imperfections we can begin to understand why the act the way they do. We must be willing to accept the reality around us without fear of judgement or retaliation, for it is only then that we can begin to examine who we are, and not who we want to be, or are told to be. But who we truly are. So make a difference today. Tell someone close that you accept them for who they are, imperfections and all, no matter how much they may enrage you sometimes. Remember they have to deal with your imperfections too. Most importantly, accept yourself for who you truly are, and don't be afraid to broadcast that person to the world. And never be afraid when something goes wrong. If you've been hurt. If you've hurt someone. It proves only that you are human.

Changes

So today was a good day, for many reasons. I realised that I haven't been being true to myself lately. Instead of acting like who I am, I've been acting like who I think I should be. This was causing me some trouble. I had begun pursuing things that I did not need, or even at times did not want, simply because I felt that I should in order to maintain my image. Since when has that ever mattered to me? Image? These feelings and anxieties had been brewing for a while and really needed to be worked out. So I decided it was time to tackle this, and I took the day off. I didn't do any of the work I should have, but for the first time in a long time, I really got back in touch with who I am, and what I want out of life. I took a good long walk, listened to some of my favourite tunes, and just sat out in the sun, soaking up the beauty of the day. It was glorious. Once again I felt whole, with not only a purpose but a means to attaining it. I spent a lot of time with my family which brought back beloved memories of childhood, as well as reminding me that they're always there no matter the situation. It's easy to forget that at the best of times, and considering I've been off doing my own thing a lot the last month or so I really did need a good reminder. I think the best thing today however was that as well as having a big think about purpose and meaning and all that jazz, I also had a good think about relationships. Now for a while, I've wanted a relationship, not with anyone in particular, I just thought it would be nice. There were a few people I had been thinking about, but none of them I really particularly liked, however I kept chasing. In the end though it just didn't feel right. It just wasn't me. When the time comes, it'll come, but until then I am perfectly happy with my love life at the moment. I really am. So overall, it was a great weekend. A little sleep deficit but I got to see a lot of my mates, hit the clubs, spend time with the family, and work a whole heap of stuff out. I must say I really do enjoy a good cathartic blog post. Now I think it is time for sleep. It's going to be a big week, I just know it. Sweet dreams lovelies.